Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from
Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't
handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had
the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to
his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him
up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse
ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning
forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.
About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him
and asked, "How do you like the place?"
"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."
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Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the
ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to
look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,
"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy
as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are
pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to
float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two
days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes
and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and
shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw
mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting,
"Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the
milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
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Confusous Jokes .
1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.
9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand
19.Pilot who fly plane upside down have crackup.
20. Man who sit on jelly doughnut get ass in jam.
21. Is good for woman to meet man in park, buti s better for man to park meat in woman
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Q. Do you know what it means to come home to a women who'll give you
love, affection, tenderness and understanding?
A. It means you're in the wrong house.
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Jesus came upon a women being stoned by a mob. Running up to the women
to protect her, he yells, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
A moment of silence follows.. when out of the crowd a rock is thrown,
and hits Jesus on the side of the head.
Jesus falls to the ground, grabs his head and yells,
"Damn it mom, I wish you'd just stay out of this."
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Man is walking down the beach and sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie merges.
She says "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you SOB, I am going to grant only 1."
He thinks a minute and says "OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed."
She says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance. |
