On night a district judge went out on a binge and threw up all over his
new suit.
He came home that night, disrobed then passed out next to his wife
without waking her up.
The next morning his wife woke him up and asked him what happened to his
suit.
"Well" the judge replied. "Last night I decided to ride around with the
city police while the made a few arrest's on some drunk'en drivers.
They loaded a drunk up in the car and he passed out and threw up all
over me. But don't worry dear. This morning when he comes before me
in court I'll make sure he pays enough to clean my suit.
That morning in court his wife called him up on the telephone. She
asked, "John have you run that drunk through court, that threw up on
your suit." The judge answered. "No!"
She replied: "Well you better charge him a lot more, cause he shit your
pants too.
===================================================
It's the middle of an international gynecology conference, and an
English and a French gynecologist are discussing various cases
they've
treated recently.
FRENCH GYNAECOLOGIST: Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see
me, and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon.
ENGLISH GYNAECOLOGIST: Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that
big.
My good man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it was.
FRENCH GYNAECOLOGIST: Aaah, you eenglish docteurs, zare you go again,
always talkeeng about ze size. I was talkeeng about ze flavour.
===================================================
A man named Sam had been in the newspaper business for 25 years when
he finally became sick of the stress. So he quits his job and buys 50
acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.
Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of
almost
total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his
door... He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing
there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...
Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thanks for inviting me!"
As Enoch is leaving, he stops, "Gotta warn you though, there's gonna
be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be
some fightin' too."
Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people.
Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again!"
Once again Enoch turns from the door... "I've seen some wild sex at
these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for
six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I
wear?"
Enoch stops in the door one last time and says, "Whatever you want,
just gonna be the two of us."
------------------------------
<< Golf joke for all.....
A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a
business meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had
a lot of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a
nearby golf course from the clerk.
While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending
speech and became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked
up to her, explained the situation and asked her if she knew what
hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you
are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached
her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you
are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished
his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady
sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew
the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and
played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me
buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand you
are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No I wouldn't."
"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper
salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!
===============================================
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