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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Scott Moody who wrote (6068)	7/2/1998 10:42:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 62549

What do Viagra and Disney Land have in common??? A one hour wait for a three minute ride. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ One day Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat talking. They get to talking about the old days and they decide to test their own powers. Moses goes first. He stands up in the boat and spreads his arms and the water parts around them and before they know it they're sitting on the bottom of the lake. He lowers his arms and the water returns to normal. It's Jesus' turn now. He stands up and is about to step onto the water, but when he tries he sinks right to the bottom. When he finally crawls back in the boat, Moses asks him what happened. Jesus replies, "I forgot about these damn holes in my feet." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above: "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This guy bursts into the house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the lottery!" She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?" He replies, "I don't care....Just get the fuck out!!!"

To: Scott Moody who wrote (6068)	7/3/1998 7:04:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?" "I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What exactly is an egotist ? Easy -- it's a person who thinks they're everything I am ! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Truth Is Finally Out Roy Rogers' horse Trigger died at age 33 on this date in 1965. Roy and Trigger were inseparable, which made things very difficult for Roy's wife, Dale Evans. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ FAMOUS DOG QUOTE ONE CAN RELATE TOO "Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An 'American' tourist couple, both sociologists, were walking the streets of a small town in Saudi Arabia. It was nearing the middle of the day and they didn't want to miss lunch at their ramshackle hotel--the only one in town and which always served meals promptly. They came upon an old herder perched on a stool beside his camel. "Excuse me, sir," the man asked, "but could you tell me the time?" The old man glanced at them, spat in the dirt, then turned and reached under his camel....and hefted the animal's testicles. After a moment, he released them. "It is 10 minutes before noon," he replied. The couple exchanged confused looks, thanked the man and hurried back to their hotel, arriving just in time for the meal. Later that day, the wandering couple found themselves again on the same street and spied the old herder perched beside his camel, apparently unmoved. Curious as to how he could tell time by fondling his animal's balls they approached him and asked again, "Sir, can you tell us the time?" They watched closely as he again reached up and grabbed the camel's jewels, seemingly judging their weight, then pronounced, "It is half-past four." The couple excitedly exchanged looks. The woman blurted, "Oh, sir! That is an amazing ability you have! Could you show us how you do it?!? "Surely," the herder responded tiredly, and motioned them to squat beside him. "Now, grasp his jewels gently and lift them up to his belly." The woman did so while her companion watched. "What now?", she inquired. "Now," said the old man, "look over there--can you now see the clock in the far tower? When the big hand is on the......."