Actual Phone Answering Machine Messages
> My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if
you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
> Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the
phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
> "A" is for academics, "B" is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
> Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already
sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are
my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
> (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a
veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas
no, his valiant effort is in vain.
> The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
> Please leave a message. However, you have the right to
remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by
us.
> Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't
like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
> WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the
tone, and we'll assimilate you later.
> Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.
> Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast
is done...(Cachunk! )
> (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave
your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time
you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice,
talk loud and (BEEP)
> This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone,
leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's
vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious."
> *Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective
Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
> I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I
feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
> Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test.
1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP
>(Rod Sterling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead-this is no ordinary telephone answering device...You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
>Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy
Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a...er...Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's, Oh, I mean,
false...er...Shalt not commit a bear... Darm...
>I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN
come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it
LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
> (Recorded directly from AT&T:) The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please
make a note of it.
> You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation.
However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to
arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
> (Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
> You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.
> Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.
> Hello, this is Sid. I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith
& Wesson .38 in the other. Leave a message or the puppy dies. |
