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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Joseph Strohsahl who wrote (6134)	7/13/1998 7:56:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

A male and female were in separated sections of the jail. When a male voice yells over to the female side: "I got 12 inches over here you would love to have." The female response was: "Well, spit it out it isn't yours." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I'm not saying she didn't have much of a figure, but... she's the only girl I know with a Cross-Your-Navel bra she can take a shower without getting her feet wet better bodies can be found at almost any used car lot one look at her & ya wonder if there were any other survivors when she undresses it's like seeing a golf club being unwrapped when she went to see a plastic surgeon, he wanted to add a tail she's so fat, last week she sank her rowing machine ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ HOW YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER You know you're getting older when... Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere Your little black book contains only names ending in MD Your children begin to look middle-aged A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge You look forward to a dull evening You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions Your knees buckle and your belt won't Your back goes out more than you do A fortune teller offers to read your face Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see someone of the opposite sex You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johnny has still not decided what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells her he has worked out his act. Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause... Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience. Finally, out comes Johnny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says... "Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This is Cold!!!! A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment. She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"