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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: STRTYZ who wrote (6158)	7/15/1998 10:01:00 AM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.	Respond to of 62567

Deep Thoughts......by Dennis Miller Don't sweat the petty things and Don't pet the sweaty things. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes? Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap? And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"? If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong? If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"? Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? (Ask Jim Woolett) If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages? Would a wingless fly be called a walk? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them? Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk? Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines? Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny? What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

To: STRTYZ who wrote (6158)	7/15/1998 11:33:00 AM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.	Respond to of 62567

OJ trial as told by Dr. Seus I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash her with a knife. I did not bonk her on the head. I did not know that she was dead. I stayed at home that fatefulnight. I took a limo, then took a flight. The bag I had was just for me. My bag! My bag! Hey, let it be! When I came home, I had a gash. My hand was cut from broken glass. I cut my hand on broken glass. A broken glass did cause that gash. My friend, he took me for a ride. All through LA, from side to side. From north to south, we took a ride. But from the cops we could not hide. My trial lasted for a year. A year! A year! Just sitting here! The DNA, the HEM, the HAW! The circus-hype the viewers saw! Did you do this awful crime? Did you do this anytime? I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. Did you take this person's life? Did you do it with a knife? I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. Did you hit her from above? Did you drop this bloody glove? I did not hit her from above. I cannot even wear that glove! The glove you see it doesn't fit The lawyer says you must acquit Acquit because the cops all lied Acquit, acquit the lawyer cried The jury came back verdict in hand And silence fell across the land Not guilty, not guilty they did decree Not guilty, not guilty, now set him free And now I'm free, I can return To my house for which I yearn. And to my family whom I love. Now would you please return my glove!!