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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Thomas Scharf who wrote (6343)	7/31/1998 9:29:00 AM
From: On the QT	Respond to of 62549

OK lets go with this one: The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, and then killed his siblings They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were three inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund reached out and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans, shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing," an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

To: Thomas Scharf who wrote (6343)	7/31/1998 11:24:00 AM
From: SJS	Respond to of 62549

OY, LIST-EN...Actual(?) PERSONALS which appeared in Israeli papers: * Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. * Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the stain on my tie). * Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. * Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles,havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.. * Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. * Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. * Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. * I've had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues, now ready to settle down. So where are all the nice Jewish men hiding? * Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks,seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. * Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taani Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. * I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from birth. Seeking same. * Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? * Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42 with fleishing dishes only. Seeking woman with nice michig set. Object macaroni. * Matzo supplier, 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer. Let's play "Hide the Afikomen." * Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop. Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage. * Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. * Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. * Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. * Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. * I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.