Subject: FC: The Year 1.9K problem -- or, political humor and Y2K
from national journal's hotline
VICE PRESIDENT HOBART DEAD!
New York Times' Berke reports, VP Garret Augustus Hobart
died earlier today, "apparently from the stress and nervous
exhaustion caused by his increasingly frustrated efforts to solve
what has been termed 'the Y1.9K problem.' Sources inside the
McKinley Administration say Hobart had become flustered from
harsh media and Democratic Party criticism over his inability to
deal with the implications of complete technological failure
forecast to occur at midnight December 31, 1899 (7/29/1899).
CBS's Pelley: "Hobart was widely recognized as the techno-
guru of this administration, but he seemingly lost his cool,
almost stoic, facade over the impending disaster. Experts had
predicted massive outages of electricity, telegraphs, railroads,
mills, and other advanced services. CBS has obtained the first
300 pages of a report Hobart was planning to deliver to Congress
on the state of preparations for the Year 1.9K Problem" (CBS
Evening Telegraph, 7/29/99).
WH press sec. Mike McCurry: "No telegraph or electricity to
broadcast my witticisms across the country? I hope things work
out for the president. I'm outta here!"
Focus on the Dobson's James Family: "Me too."
Longtime Hobart media consultant Bob Squier: "The vice
president was a stiff, but he was my meal ticket. So I can tell
you Gus Hobart had a rapier wit. He was lots of fun."
Dick Morris: "Hobart the technocrat was devoured by the
Y1.9K problem, while the issue he should have been talking about
was the environment. Now Teddy Roosevelt, the next VP, will get
to run with it."
Wm. Tecumseh Sherman: "If the turn of the century means all
things dated in the year 01 will mean 1801, does that mean I
never marched through Georgia?"
Huey Long: "If it turns out that the Louisiana Purchase
hasn't happened yet, am I French? Will I be known as the
roihomard?"
Samuel Tilden: "Does it mean I get a recount?"
Elizabeth Katie Stanton: "If we can never turn the century,
how can I ever get the vote?"
Lanny Davis: "All I'm asking is, if you can't prove the
president was born, how can you prove he committed perjury?"
ELEGY FOR A FALLEN TECHNOCRAT
CBS' Dan Rather: "We've all been assuming that the damage
from the 1.9K problem would become manifest on January 1, 1900.
But today we learn that this disaster has already claimed its
first victim."
MSNBC's Keith Olbermann: "The problem we thought was about
machinery is now about our own mortal selves, the one thing we
cannot alter no matter how much scientific progress we make."
More Olbermann: "Makes me want to quit this show" ("The Century
In Crisis," 7/29/99).
YOU KNOW EVERYONE HERE
George F. Will: "The death of the vice president is, I fear,
a microcosm of worse things to come. Continued pursuit of
technological advancement without regard for its human toll can
only lead in the coming decades to unsinkable ships that plummet
to the bottom of the ocean, wars to end all wars that only lead
to more wars that kill millions, and an even larger problem a
century hence, when everything will be automated."
Sam Donaldson: "So who's responsible for Hobart's death,
technology or the media hype about 1900?"
Cokie Roberts: "Our collective pursuit of material comforts,
our conspicuous consumption. A whole nation is guilty of
murdering its second-in-command."
George Stephanopolous: "I wouldn't put it past the
Republicans to try to politicize this tragedy. They'll blame the
Democrats if they think it will help them in the polls."
Bill Kristol: "George, you must not think much of the
average voter. They're smart enough not to listen to a former
Democratic hack's warnings about partisanship!"
Stephanopolous: "Hey, I'm a pundit now! I've got a huge
paycheck from ABC to prove it!"
Roberts: "We'll continue with this spirited debate right
after these messages from ADM, general store to the world" ("This
Week With Sam and Cokie," 7/28/1899).
GOP REAX
Lamar Alexander: "Without Hobart at the helm, 100 years from
now we'll probably be wearing these same rudimentary plaid
shirts."
Speaker Newt Gingrich (R-GA): "The Democrats have been
trying to hang this problem on Vice President Hobart because they
have no legitimate challenger to the McKinley-Hobart ticket in
1900. Well, now we see what they have wrought. I hope they've
learned their lesson."
Rev. Jerry Falwell: "Throughout the gay '90s I was never
alone with a man without my dog in the room."
Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS): "They say one out of ten is a
kleptomaniac."
NY Gov. Teddy Roosevelt, from atop San Juan Hill: "A man. A
plan. A canal. Panama."
McKinley: "If you can say that backwards, I'll make you the
next VP."
DEM REAX
Rep. Dick Gephardt (D-MO): "Of course, we all mourn the loss
of Vice President Hobart, a great statesman who died trying to
solve our country's most vexing problem. But that does not
absolve the Republican Party of its responsibility to fix this
glitch soon!"
Sen. Paul Wellstone: "All those rich Republicans and their
fancy gadgets ... serves them right!"
Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA): "No sound bite for The Hotline.
It'll just be riddled with tYpo'z/."
Rev. Jesse Jackson: "Remember the Maine. Go back to Spain."
PLEASE, TELEGRAPH PEOPLE, TELL US WHAT IT MEANS
MSNBC News Chat Question of the Day: "Hobart's Passing --
Natural Cause or Moment For Pause?" John Gibson: "No
electricity? Luckily, I still have my pocket watch. 20 seconds
-- that's it!"
USA Today's Larry King: "Think the widow Hobart would be
open to courtship from a non-Viagra dependent scribe? ... I just
love the way steamboat smoke billows up into the clouds ...
Question: Whatever happened to the B&O Railroad? ... I looked up
war horse in the dictionary, and there was a picture of Teddy
Roosevelt ... With the impending technological failure, I wonder
if they'll have to distribute my column through Pony Express ...
Do you think suspenders will stay in fashion?"
NBC's Tim Russert: "McKinley must clarify his Y1.9K policy
in the next 48 to 72 hours, or he should get out of town."
Don Imus: "Hobart was a nasty tempered weasel who couldn't
muster the mustard to make our trains run on time. Why are we
honoring this moron?"
CNN's April Oliver: "I stand by our story that Hobart is
still alive."
Steve Brill: "I'd publish a critique of this press
onslaught. Too bad Brill's Content has already folded."
Manchester Union-Leader editorial: "The Democrats who tried
to make Hobart a scapegoat for this so-called 'Year 1900 Problem'
have proven themselves to be murderous barbarians no different
than the thugs who sunk the Maine. The Democrats may wear
foppish top-hats rather than eye patches, they may enjoy the
honorific of 'sir' rather than 'matey,' but underneath it all
they're as stinking rotten as day-old fish laying on a shipdeck
in the blazing sun."
CNBC's Chris Matthews: "The list of those responsible for
this fiasco includes a lot of fat pig Republicans, absolute money
guys who have no more morality than anybody on the left, who
basically will defend this guy Hobart to the last inch"
("Fluffball," 7/30/99).
William Jennings Bryan: "You shall not crucify the Democrats
upon a cross of gold" ("InterNight," 7/30/99).
Jerry Rivers: "This won't slow down the invention of
liposuction, will it?" ("Rivers Live").
Irish Times correspondent James Joyce: [unintelligible, but
named best sound bite of the century].
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