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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Messbauer who wrote (6391)	8/3/1998 8:30:00 PM
From: Calvin Scott	Respond to of 62549

You might have been in Silicon Valley too long if: ú Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. ú Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. ú Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains. ú You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow. ú You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes. ú You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process. ú You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living. ú You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week. ú You think that, "Progressing an action plan," and "Calendarizing a project," are acceptable English phrases. ú You ask your friends to "Think out of the box," when making Friday night plans. ú You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. ú You think a "Half-day," means leaving at 5 o'clock. ú You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

To: John Messbauer who wrote (6391)	8/4/1998 1:07:00 AM
From: Jay	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink." So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's the name of your penis?" The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX." The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!" **** On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass". Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!" **** Reasons why E-mail is like a Male Reproductive Organ 11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off. 10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior. 9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it. 8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call e-mail Envy. 7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done. 6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun. 5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses. 4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently. 3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant. 2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble. And the number one reason Why e-mail is Like a Male Reproductive Organ: 1. If you play with it too much, you go blind....