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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: OldAIMGuy who wrote (6420)	8/9/1998 1:24:00 PM
From: Garfield	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62550

Check out dallas.net Select the "Cartoons" button Requires sound..

To: OldAIMGuy who wrote (6420)	8/9/1998 3:46:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62550

A man goes into the hospital for some tests. The medical staff knock him out, and when he comes around there is a doctor peering over him, you know pulling up the eyelid and wielding the reflex hammer. The doctor says, "Ah, I'm glad you're awake. I'm afraid I have some mixed news." The man says "Don't hold back Doc, tell me the bad news." The doctor says "It was worse than we thought; we had to amputate your left leg." The man then asks, "What is the good news then?" The doctor replies, "The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings over his meal, so he takes a bite out of it. He notices that there is a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress. "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I damned to see what is going on!" So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his armpit. He says, "That's disgusting!" Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A hillbilly was on his way to town on his horse. Once in town he went shopping and afterwards realized he had enough time for a beer. He walked into the Saloon and saw a beautiful girl sitting alone. He walked up to her and told her they should get married and she agreed. He put her on his horse and started back to the house. They came to a fence and the hillbillies horse, stumbled. The hillbilly looked at the horse and said, 'This is the first fucking time'." The girl found this strange, but didn't think much about it. By the time they got to his house the horse stumbled again. The hillbilly said, 'This is the second time'. The girl looked, but didn't worry. That night they had great sex and next morning the hillbilly got ready for work. When the girl awoke she asked him when should lunch be ready and he replied around 12:00. He went outside, got on the horse and the horse again stumbled. The hillbilly got off the horse and said, 'This is the third fucking time.' and shot the horse dead. The girl came out running and asked 'Why did you do that for? Are you fucking crazy?'. The hillbilly just looked at her and replied, 'This is the first fucking time'. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What does a 70-year-old woman taste like? A: Depends! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How can you tell if you are in a gay church? A: Only HALF the congregation is kneeling! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ This guy just got done fucking his wife, when he rolled off her he asked her, well honey did you fake it this time? She replied, nope I was really asleep this time. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ News Flash! The White House revealed today that Hilary Clinton in pregnant. She initially refused to believe it, but it has been confirmed. The due date is Jan 20, 1999. In an exclusive, and informed source passed on the script of the following telephone conversation between the President and Hilary. Ring, Hello? Bill, you rotten son of a bitch! I'm pregnant! I can't believe it. I'm too old to be having another child. My God! What am I going to do? You said you were sterile and now this. And it's all your fault! Uhh... Who is this? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The wives of four presidents and a Prime Minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language. The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side. The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act. Well the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it CPR, because it goes mouth to mouth....