Two men sitting in a bar, drinking manhattans and watching two dogs on the
front lawn doing what dogs do.
"Gives me an idea", says the first, "think I'll drink up and go home to the
little lady."
"Gives me an idea too", says the second, "see you tomorrow same time."
Next day, same two men, same bar, drinking Manhattans.
"Say," says the first, "how did you make out last night?"
"So So," Says the second, "Took me three manhattans to get her to do it that
way."
"Hell," says the second, "Took me three manhattans just to get her out on
the front lawn!"
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A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around
she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the
counter and questioned the clerk.
"I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she
said.
"Well,"said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50. Would
you like to see it?"
"$50? For a Frog?" asked the woman.
The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs."
Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought this
was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and
she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog.
She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course,
the husband was a bit skeptical, but said he'd try it out for sure that night.
The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give
another blow job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and
pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on.
When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at
the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.
"What are you two doing, looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the
woman.
The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook,
your ass is outta here!"
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A man and his wife were seated in front of a television, watching a faith
healer perform miracles. The healer addressed the TV audience, and asked
any that were ill to come closer to their set. He instructed them to place
one hand on the TV and the other on the area that ailed them, and he would
attempt to heal their ills from the television studio.
The couple carried a pair of chairs from the dining room and sat close to
the TV. The wife placed one hand on the TV near her husband's and the other
on her stomach, while her husband laid his free hand in his lap.
She peered over her reading glasses at her husband, with a skeptical
expression on her face, and said sweetly, "Why not give the poor man a
chance, dear? He said he would try to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
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Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his
father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he
looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc.
He looks high and low but cannot find him. He asks St. Peter "Where is my
father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know. He asks the archangel Gabriel
"Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know. He asks John the Baptist
"Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven,
impatiently searching.
Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is
very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who
are you?""Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son."
Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son,
oldman."
"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails
used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know...""Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.
"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.
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