Text of Clinton Speech
[unabridged & translated version, with commentary]
Good evening [this is going to be one heck of a night back at the White House].
This afternoon in this room, from this chair [an accurate accounting so far], I testified before [was finally cornered by] the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.
I answered their questions [at least the ones that I did answer] truthfully [in a "legally accurate" sense per the standard illustrated below], including questions about my private [sleazy] life, questions no American citizen would ever want to [or have put themselves in any position to have to] answer.
Still, I must [as a last-ditch effort for damage control] take complete responsibility [since trying to blame everybody else didn't work] for all my [power trip] actions, both public and private. And that [in addition to the fact that the media would've really had a field day had I not made a public statement] is why I am speaking to you tonight.
As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my [illicit] relationship with Monica ["big lips"] Lewinsky. While
my answers were legally accurate [and quite deliberately fabricated to mislead], I did not volunteer [and actually withheld essential] information [at the expense of other less important people].
Indeed, I did have a [quite steamy] relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was [or so they tell me] not appropriate [this could be nominated for understatement of the year]. In fact, it was wrong [but only in the sense that I was caught this time]. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment [since I really didn't think the bitch would say anything] and a personal failure on my part [to cover this thing up] for which I am solely and completely responsible [everybody told me it was stupid to play these games so openly].
But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now [you believe me, don't you?] that at no time did I ask [OK, OK; told, suggested, indicated, ordered, or commanded maybe, but never did I ask] anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence [what about washing the dress?] or to take any other unlawful action.
I know that my public comments [lies] and my silence about this matter [worked exactly as I had intended and] gave a false impression. [This time I was caught when] I misled people, including even my [ugly] wife. I deeply regret that [I wasn't more careful].
I can only tell you [that] I was motivated by many factors [and was thinking only with my smaller head]. First, by a desire to protect myself from [prosecution and] the embarrassment of my own conduct.
I was also very concerned about protecting my family [jewels]. The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too [and is a completely logical reason for considering myself above the law and not revealing the truth].
In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings, I might add, about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.[because the 'missing' files showed up exactly two days past the date that the statute of limitations ran out]
The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life [Oh, what a tangled web we weave]. And now the investigation itself is under investigation [a great diversionary tactic].
This has gone on too long, cost too much [OK, Bill - please feel free to reimburse the Treasury since it was your screwing around that got this thing going] and hurt too many innocent people.
Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most - my wife and our daughter - and our God [could Slick Willy really believe that just by saying this, the American people forget about it and the media will just go away?] [answer yes ! - he does, and they likely will]
I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes [except resign] to do so.
Nothing [other than pretty young girls impressed by my importance] is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours [me, Hillary, Chelsea, Monica, Paula, Jennifer, etc.].
Even presidents have [and screw up their] private lives. It is time [for me]to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our national life [let's just forget this, OK?]
Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long [it's somebody else's turn in the spotlight now], and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do.
Now it is time - in fact, it is past time - to move on [OK, so resign why don't you?]
We have important work to do - real opportunities [and new staffers] to seize, real problems to solve [which one first?], real security matters to face [this stuff can't leak out again, at any cost].
And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle [nice try, Bill] of the past seven months [before Monica starts showing], to repair the fabric [wash the dress] of our national discourse [presidential intercourse?], and to return our attention to all the challenges [new staffers] and all the promise [new staffers] of the next American century.
Thank you for watching [as if you had any other choice besides Wrestling]. And good night.
[P.S. And I never inhaled.]
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