Silicon Investor (SI) -- The First Internet Community

STOCKTALK

We've detected that you're using an ad content blocking browser plug-in or feature. Ads provide a critical source of revenue to the continued operation of Silicon Investor. We ask that you disable ad blocking while on Silicon Investor in the best interests of our community. If you are not using an ad blocker but are still receiving this message, make sure your browser's tracking protection is set to the 'standard' level.

Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (6579)	8/21/1998 8:17:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

Here are some Women Facts.... Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the sink. How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven! Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. Why were shopping carts invented? To teach women to walk on their hind legs. Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in! One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!" All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told! What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months-I don't like to interrupt her. Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she? What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced. Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them! Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep! Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads by women. 40-ish.................. 48 Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will Athletic................ Flat-chested Average looking......... Ugly Beautiful............... Pathological liar Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin Educated................ College dropout Emotionally Secure...... Medicated Feminist................ Fat; ball buster Free spirit............. Substance user Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut Fun..................... Annoying Gentle.................. Comatose Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic New-Age................. All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only Open-minded............. Desperate Outgoing................ Loud Passionate.............. Loud Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic Professional............ Real Witch Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat Romantic................ Looks better by candle light Voluptuous.............. Very Fat Weight proportional to height..................Hugely Fat Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking Widow................... Nagged first husband to death Young at heart.......... Toothless crone ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ How many Chihuahuas does it take to make a Taco Bell burrito? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them: "Ah, you're lovely, aren't you?" she says to the first dog. "What's your name?" To her surprise, the dog actually answers her, "My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles." Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog. "And what's your name then?" Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her, "My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles." And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says. "your name's Dewy, and you've had a great day going in and out of puddles." "No," replies the last dog. "My name's Puddles, and I've had an awful day." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ How do you get five hundred cows in a barn? Put up a "Bingo" sign. What's the shortest distance between two points? A tight blouse. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? . It's not hard. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Also being retired, I have more time to help out in the kitchen; like putting all the fires out for one thing. Around my house no one ever sez, "Guess who's coming to dinner"; because nine times out of ten, it's the paramedics. Tip for young husbands: I don't care what the commercials say. Trust me, there's lots of things you can't say with flowers.