To: Zoltan! who wrote (18601 ) 8/31/1998 2:17:00 AM From: Mitchell Respond to of 20981
Timmer wrote: > > > > Here's the speech President Clinton wanted to give: > > > "Members of Congress...people of America....I > > > banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. > > > Which is not news, folks, because if you > > > think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute > > > player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying > > > attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't > > > tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, > > > and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older > > > than I like and they have legs that former Houston > > > Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to > > > say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for > > > the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be > > > pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, > > > and she'd be married to the President. > > > "So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the > > > draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped > > > Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in > > > the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush > > > money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an > > > upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that > > > entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. > > > "Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child > > > who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. > > > But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be > > > a good move on your part. Your other choice was > > > Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time > > > resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who > > > thought he could bomb his way into the White > > > House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the > > > office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. > > > "There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% > > > prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like > > > his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before > > > that coined, but never really understood, the > > > concept of 'plausible deniability,' and got a > > > one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack > > > style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, > > > power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to > > > American society was Agent Orange. And John > > > Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't > > > hang around long enough for America to spot that > > > curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" > > > shared by at least a dozen former residents of the > > > White House. > > > "Which brings me back to my point. Since I have > > > been strumming the banjo here at the White House, > > > government is doing more for less. The budget is > > > balanced for the first time since JFK did a one > > > gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't > > > seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so > > > low today a blind felon can get a job as a night > > > watchman. And the stock market is higher than a > > > D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone > > > with a degree from a junior college who can > > > spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the > > > annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of > > > where his or her next meal is coming from. > > > "Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm > > > doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking > > > for is your support, not a date with your daughter > > > .. unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin > > > ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the > > > meantime, think about where you are today and what > > > kind of life you're living before you get too > > > interested in where I'm parking the Presidential > > > limousine. Thank you, good night and God bless > > > America."