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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (6650)	9/1/1998 2:25:00 PM
From: Milk	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested when he applied to become a town police officer (true story): cnn.com

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (6650)	9/1/1998 8:23:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 62549

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible." The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying. So the husband inquires, "What's wrong, Honey?" "Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean." The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So off they went to the bedroom. That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. "What's wrong now, Sweetie?" "Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can't cook." Again the husband smiles and says, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again. That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister. After the third trip the husband asks, "What are you doing, Honey?" "Warming up your supper!" she replies. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says I'll have a chocolate, the wife says I'll have a vanilla. Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says "What do you want fat head?" The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?" The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants: The 1st thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting there (outside) that's my nice truck. The 2nd thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my big house. The 3rd thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy and I had that until fat head came along."

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (6650)	9/1/1998 8:24:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 62549

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up." "That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up, and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it!"

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (6650)	9/1/1998 8:25:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

Bumper stickers!- A lot of new ones I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving. I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns. They're not hot flashes...they're POWER SURGES! I'm back by popular demand. CAUTION! I drive like you do! Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. WARNING: mental backup in progress. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like, night. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Don't steal. The government hates competition. If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk. I hear you lost your cat? Check under my tire. I can only please one person a day, and today ain't your day... (tomorrow ain't looking good either). National Atheist's Day April 1 Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician All generalizations are false. Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle." Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. I Brake For No Apparent Reason. Sorry, I don't date outside my species. I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight! Where there's a will, I want to be in it! Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW! IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. I can handle pain until it hurts. I'm objective; I object to everything. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane. Life's a beach, and then you drown. Time flies when you don't know what you're doing. Have a nice day... somewhere else. I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway. They told me I was gullible... and I believed them. You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire. It's bad luck to be superstitious. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have. I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean. According to my best recollection, I don't remember. Honk if you like peace and quiet. Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? Life is too complicated in the morning. All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her. Ask me about my vow of silence. My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird! Grow your own dope. Plant a man. A fool and his money are a girl's best friend. I'm not driving fast-just flying low. Help starve a feeding bureaucrat. Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do. Welcome to California. Now go home! Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria. HANG-UP & DRIVE BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!! Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? I intend to live forever - so far, so good. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. Black holes are where God divided by zero. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. !!

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (6650)	9/1/1998 8:25:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 62549

There's this gay guy that goes to the zoo. He's having a great old time feeding the monkeys and giraffes, and he suddenly slips and falls into the gorilla area, and the gorilla hauls him off behind som bushes, and it is hours > >before he is rescued and finds himself in a hospital bed. The next day, the guy's boyfriend swishes into the hospital room, and sees him, and says: "OH MY GOD! Look at you! You're all bloody, and your arm is broken, and your leg is broken! How do you feel??" And the gay guy says: "How should I feel? He doesn't call, he doesn't write..."