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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Garfield who wrote (6659)	9/2/1998 2:09:00 AM
From: Cheeky Kid	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

I haven't posted here for a while, I wanted some good material. Here it is: A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said: "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

To: Garfield who wrote (6659)	9/2/1998 8:37:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 62558

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there is only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "You'll just have to learn to write with your other hand." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Commanding officer: "Alright! How about an attitude check crew???" Crew (In Unison): "I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" CO: "Now, let's be more positive..." Crew: "I POSITIVELY HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" CO: "OK, How about a negative attitde check..." Crew: "I DON'T LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" CO: "OK, How about a short attitude check ..?" Crew: "FUCK THIS PLACE!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise, " he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face." "He's an asshole - piss on him." "You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you." "Well fuck him," said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday."