A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no,no," you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?"asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
wife's breast. "The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits
the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't
wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!"says the pro.
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Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't
you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over
like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal, alien
incidents. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast
you were going BOY?!?" Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over
55?" "93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!" "But if you already knew," replied
Bob, "Why did you ask me?" Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his
normal charming fashion, "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a
fine!" The cop took a good look at the Bob and said, "You don't even look
like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my
entire life!" Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying
job!" The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts
on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?!?"
"I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" replied Bob. "What you say, BOY?!?" asked
the patrolman. "I'm an asshole stretcher!!!" Of course the cop asked,
"What does an asshole stretcher do?" Bob explained, "People call me up
and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a
couple of fingers, then a couple more and then one whole hand, then two.
Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and
asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?" Bob
nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar detector and stick it at
the end of a bridge!
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A man walked into the drugstore and shyly asked the pretty girl
working there if he could buy some condoms. Seeing his discomfort, the
girl decided to have some fun. She asked what size he needed. He said he
didn't really know. So the girl said they come in three sizes, and that
there were three holes in the fence outside that they used for sizing
tests. He should go outside and put his tool to the test.
When he went outside, the girl snuck around the fence, when he
put his tool through the first hole, she caught him and gave him a
handjob. When he put his tool in the second hole, she gave him oral sex.
When he put his tool in the third hole, she had her pants down and she
took him inside herself.
When he was finished, the girl ran around the front. He walked up
and she asked, "So, what size do you need?" He answered, "I've decided
not to buy any condoms; but I will take 8 feet of that fence!"
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A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine." he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to
have a normal sex life again doctor."
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl."What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's
just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
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There was this cowboy from Texas who decided to do a little traveling
and when he got as far north as Kansas City he was feeling pretty horny
so decided to stay a while.
That evening he hailed a cab and asked the cabbie about houses of ill
repute, so the cabbie took him to one that he knew well.
After choosing a suitable looking gal they went upstairs and on the way
the girl commented on how tall the man was. The cowboy said everything
from Texas was big. After getting undressed and the girl had taken a good
look she said I can see what you mean about everything from Texas being
big.
"Yes ma'am" said the cowboy , " I mean everything."
After they had finished their business and were getting dressed the
cowboy asked "By the way ma'am, what part of Texas are you from?"
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