Subject: Courtroom Clangers!!!
> >
> > Courtroom Capers
> >
> > From a little book called "Disorder in the Court."
> > They're things people actually said in court, word for word.
> >
> > Q: What is your date of birth?
> > A: July fifteenth.
> > Q: What year?
> > A: Every year.
> >
> > Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> > A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> >
> > Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
> > A: Yes.
> > Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > A: I forget.
> > Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
> > forgotten?
> >
> > Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
> > A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> > Q: How long has he lived with you?
> > A: Forty-five years.
> >
> > Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
> that
> > morning?
> > A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> > Q: And why did that upset you?
> > A: My name is Susan.
> >
> > Q: And where was the location of the accident?
> > A: Approximately milepost 499.
> > Q: And where is milepost 499?
> > A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
> >
> > Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
> > A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
> >
> > Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
> > A: After the accident?
> > Q: Before the accident.
> > A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
> >
> > Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
> voodoo or
> > occult?
> > A: We both do.
> > Q: Voodoo?
> > A: We do.
> > Q: You do?
> > A: Yes, voodoo.
> >
> > Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
> > lights
> > flashing?
> > A: Yes.
> > Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
> > A: Yes, sir.
> > Q: What did she say?
> > A: What disco am I at?
> >
> > Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
> he
> > doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> >
> > Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
> >
> > Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> >
> > Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
> >
> > Q: Did he kill you?
> >
> > Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
> >
> > Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
> >
> > Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
> >
> > Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > A: Yes.
> > Q: And what were you doing at that time?
> >
> > Q: She had three children, right?
> > A: Yes.
> > Q: How many were boys?
> > A: None.
> > Q: Were there any girls?
> >
> > Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
> > A: Yes.
> > Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
> >
> > Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
> you?
> > A: I went to Europe, Sir.
> > Q: And you took your new wife?
> >
> > Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > A: By death.
> > Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
> >
> > Q: Can you describe the individual?
> > A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > Q: Was this a male, or a female?
> >
> > Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
> notice
> > which I sent to your attorney?
> > A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> >
> > Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
> > A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> >
> > Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
> > A: Oral.
> >
> > Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> > Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
> > A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
> > autopsy.
> >
> > Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> >
> > Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
> pulse?
> > A: No.
> > Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > A: No.
> > Q: Did you check for breathing?
> > A: No.
> > Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> began
> > the
> > autopsy?
> > A: No.
> > Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
> > A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
> > somewhere.
> >
> > Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
> > A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
> >
> > Here are some classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the keepers
> of
> > the
> >
> > word in various parts of the world...
> >
> > LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina
> > show?
> > WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
> > LAWYER: Male semen?
> > WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.
> > LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
> > WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
> > LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
> > WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
> > LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
> > WITNESS: No.
> >
> > LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what
> did
> > you
> > observe with respect to your scalp?
> > WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the
> hospital.
> > LAWYER: It was covered?
> > WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
> > LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
> > WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were
> removed
> > and
> > put on top of my head.
> >
> > CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
> > WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
> > CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
> > WITNESS: That's right.
> > CLERK: Repeat it.
> > WITNESS: "Repeat it".
> > CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
> > WITNESS: What you said when?
> > CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
> > WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
> > CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
> > WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
> > CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
> > WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
> > CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the
> > truth
> > and..."
> > WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
> > CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
> > WITNESS: Okay.
> > (Witness remains silent.)
> > CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > CLERK: Well? Do so.
> > WITNESS: You're confusing me.
> > CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
> > WITNESS: Is that all?
> > CLERK: Yes.
> > WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
> > CLERK: Then say it.
> > WITNESS: What?
> > CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
> > WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
> > CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
> > WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
> > CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But",
> > "The","Truth".
> > WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
> > CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
> > WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
> > CLERK: Thank you.
> > WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
> >
> >
> > LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the
> farmhouse
> > down
> > the footpath to the cowshed?
> > WITNESS: I did.
> > LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck
> > pond?
> > WITNESS: I did.
> > LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
> > WITNESS: I did.
> > (Witness remains silent.)
> > LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
> > WITNESS: I saw George.
> > LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > (Witness remains silent.)
> > LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
> > WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
> > LAWYER: His "thing"?
> > WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
> > LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you
> > were
> > sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> > LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
> > WITNESS: Of course I did!
> > LAWYER: What did you say to him?
> > WITNESS: "Morning, George."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
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