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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: GROUND ZERO™ who wrote (6823)	9/12/1998 4:38:00 PM
From: Ian@SI	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62558

Stock Broker Bashing Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest Stamps? They had pictures of Stock Brokers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. What is the difference between a tick and a Stock Broker ? A tick falls off of you when you die. What do you have when 100 Stock Brokers are buried up to their neck in sand? Not enough sand. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Stock Broker in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. What is black and brown and looks good on a Stock Broker? A Doberman. Why are Stock Brokers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. Stock Broker's creed: A man is a client until proven broke. What's the difference between a female Stock Broker and a pit bull? Lipstick. What do you call 20 Stock Brokers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet.

To: GROUND ZERO™ who wrote (6823)	9/12/1998 4:43:00 PM
From: Ian@SI	Respond to of 62558

Some Accountant Humour Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." About Generally Accepted Accounting Principles (GAAP) Question: What is GAAP? Answer: The difference between accounting theory and practice. Q: How was copper wire invented? A: Two accountants were arguing over a penny.

To: GROUND ZERO™ who wrote (6823)	9/12/1998 4:55:00 PM
From: Ian@SI	Respond to of 62558

A man came home from work and said to his wife, "Honey, we have to sell our home and our car, and we can't afford to keep your jewelry or your furs anymore." The wife was shocked. "What happened?" "We just lost all of our money in the stock market!" The woman was livid! "I can't live like a pauper again!" she cried, ran up to an open window on the third floor of their home and jumped out. The man watched her fall, then he looked up and said, "Thank you PaineWebber!" From the Toronto Globe and Mail: Bill Gates, to his broker: "You spent my $150 million on WHAT?!? I said SNAPPLE!!!" When Albert Einstein died, he met three guys in the queue outside the Pearly Gates. To pass the time, he asked what were their IQs. The first replied 190. "Wonderful," exclaimed Einstein. "We can discuss the contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of general relativity". The second answered 150. "Good," said Einstein. "I look forward to discussing the role of New Zealand's nuclear-free legislation in the quest for world peace". The third guy mumbled 50. Einstein paused, and then asked, "So what is your forecast for the Dow?" A trader, a salesman and an analyst are hurrying to a breakfast meeting when they come to a pedestrian crossing where (the little man is red/the sign says don't walk). The analyst goes away to do some research. Two hours later she returns to say she's fairly convinced it will change to (green/walk) - sometime. The trader steps out onto the road immediately - he might not have got his timing right but he knows it's going to change and he doesn't want to miss the turn. The salesman calls up all his clients and tries to find out when they think the lights might change. Then he goes off to lunch, having done a good days work. Have you noticed that if you add Bars to ING you get Barings? One perhaps for Mr. Leeson to ponder. "I consider myself a serious trader. I was having a discussion with a friend of mine who calls himself an 'Investor'. So I asked him, "What's the difference between a trader and an investor?" He replied, "I don't know, let me think about it for a while . .

To: GROUND ZERO™ who wrote (6823)	9/13/1998 10:36:00 AM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.	Respond to of 62558

There's venom in denim? dailynews.yahoo.com Friday September 11 10:37 AM EDT There's venom in denim? By Angus MacSwan MIAMI (Reuters) - It looked like a fitting way to launder the profits of a drug deal: trade a load of cocaine and heroin valued at more than $500,000 for 12,000 pairs of jeans. But the denim-for-dope swap left the alleged dealers blue when it turned out they were bartering with undercover agents. As a result of a 22-month investigation, three men were arrested, one of them believed to be the ringleader of a Naples, Florida, distribution network, the Collier County Sheriff's Office said Thursday. They were identified as: Jorge Mario Zuluaga, 33, a Colombian national who managed the Ultra-Rite car wash in Naples; Carlos Mario Cepeda, 39, also Colombian, of Davie, Florida, and Gustavo Hernandez, 34, of Naples. Police seized 46.2 pounds of cocaine with a wholesale value of about $462,000 and about one pound of heroin worth about $47,500 wholesale. During the operation, authorities said, undercover agents learned the three defendants planned to hijack a truckload of jeans, including Levis and other name brands. The agents convinced the dealers that, by chance, they already had a load of stolen jeans they were willing to trade for heroin and cocaine. ''Jeans are a very expensive commodity in some foreign countries,'' Lt. Jack Lloyd told Reuters. ''They could make big money out of them in Colombia or other South American countries.'' ''We had shown them the jeans. We had a semi-truck full we had borrowed,'' Lloyd said. Zuluaga, Cepeda and Hernandez were held without bond on charges of conspiracy to distribute cocaine or heroin. In searches of Zuluaga's residence and the car wash, two handguns, two cars and $2,300 in cash were seized, authorities said. Lloyd said the gang is believed to have been moving between 6 and 11 pounds of cocaine a month through the Naples area, part of a Florida smuggling corridor.

To: GROUND ZERO™ who wrote (6823)	9/14/1998 2:05:00 PM
From: S K	Respond to of 62558

Geek speak By Guy Kawasaki GEEK SPEAK, like most such hip means of expression, is designed to impress the outsider with the user's deep knowledge, while preparing to pick the outsider's pocket. In the interest of perhaps saving the general reader a lot of money, I hereby offer my own somewhat cynical definitions of this arcane language: Amazon.com. The only company that prevents "electronic commerce" from being an oxymoron. Banner. A mechanism to decrease the profits of Internet service providers by slowing down access to a Web site. Browser. Operating system software that creates a stream of revenue for lawyers. Cable modem. A gizmo that creates a $4 billion valuation for a company with 50,000 customers. Click through. The speed at which you try to avoid on-line advertising. CPM (cost per M.B.A.). The average amount of money each M.B.A. causes a company to lose. Content. The information on a Web site that a company employs 25 people to gather that could have been obtained by reading any newspaper. ADSL. Asynchronous dumb "sushi" luck. The conditions it takes to get a high-speed, full-time connection installed in your house. (Yo, Pacific Bell: I've been trying for six months.) Earnings per prayer. The ratio of projected earnings divided by the number of prayers necessary to reach those earnings. Eyeballs. The number of people who have no money who are coming to a Web site that has no content. FAQ (frequently avoided questions). A company's attempt to answer commonly asked questions such as, "How do I get technical support?" IPO. An acronym for initial public offloading. The transfer of risk from venture capitalists to the general public for which the general public thanks you. Impressions. The number of venture capitalists an entrepreneur sees before getting funding. Java. The language of the largest group of migrant workers in Silicon Valley: Microsoft haters. Netscape. Verb. The process of getting slaughtered by fair and unfair means by Microsoft. "We were netscaped when they started giving away the software." Pitch. Verb. To believe you're doing people a favor by asking them for their money. "We already have a PowerPoint presentation, so we can pitch Mayfield on a $5 million investment for 10% of our company." Shaft. The most common consequence of an investor's listening to a pitch. Portal. A hole in the Internet through which shareholders pour money. Push. Verb. To provide information that doesn't matter to people who can't use it. Search engine. A technique devised by Internet service providers and advertisers to convince you that you should stay on-line continuously. Secure site. A Web site that may be safer than giving a credit card to a waiter who is a convicted felon. Spread. The practice of buying Microsoft stock while supporting antitrust litigation against it. Stockbroker. An entity to sell stocks through. (No one who's "connected" in Silicon Valley buys stocks after the IPO.) Valuation. The practice of assigning the value of an entire industry to the first company in the industry. Window. The time between when a company innovates and Microsoft incorporates. Windows. The sum total of all the times companies innovated and Microsoft incorporated. Yang. Verb. To build something out of nothing. For example, "When I started this business, there were ten search engines, but I yanged ours into a multibillion-dollar valuation." forbes.com