Pinky's Tailing Box: a weekly Wednesday feature of At a Bottom Now for Gold...
FRIED for PREJUDICE
Professor Silverton, it is my assertation that prejudice is a learned behavior and therefore a product of environment.
I do protest such an observation Professor Goldstein. Prejudice is obviously an innate aspect of the human condition and most assuredly a product of heredity. But how might our opposing theories be properly put to test?
DING DONG
Excuse me Dr, while I answer the door...er...Can I help you my good fellows?
Moe: Yes, is this 18596 E. Charters Boulevard? We're here to apply for jobs as lab assistants.
Goldstein: Indeed, what are your qualifications, gentlemen?
Curly: That ain't one of 'em, nyuk, nyuk.
Moe: Oops, I dropped a quarter.
Curly: I'll get it. Hey, it's only a nickle--you gyped me.
Moe: Oops, now I dropped my briefcase.
BOP!
Curly: Ooo! Ooo!
Moe: Pay attention peabrain! And I'll take my nickle back...
Larry: Hey, Indian giver...
Moe: Clam up Polack. I'm no welsher. SWAT
Curly: Oooo! But who's goin' ta get the nickle?
Larry: I know. Eenie meanie miny moe, catch a...
Goldstein: Er...if you applicants would wait one moment while I confer with my associate...
Silverton: Are you thinking what I'm thinking Professor?
Goldstein: Quite. I propose in three months to educate these base fellows and turn them from bigotted slobs into gentlemen of tolerance. You on your side need only to test them once at a social function of your choosing and find them wanting in any manner of intended refinement.
Silverton: Agreed.
Goldstein: ...Er...my apologies for the delay boys, consider yourselves employed.
Larry: Gee, that's swell. What are the particulars of the job description?...That's college educated for, "What do we do?"
Moe: There's something in your eye, Porcupine.
Larry: In my eye? I don't feel anything Moe.
POKE!
Larry: Ow, ow.
Moe: How about now?
Goldstein: Let's just say you will be ginuea pigs of human progress.
$
THREE MONTHS LATER...
Goldstein: Gentlemen, I remind you that for your employment to continue it is imperative that not one inflammatory, derogatory, or otherwise discriminatory remark be uttered by any of you at tonight's UN social. Epithets of race or gender are to be especially abhored. Just remember--be broad-minded.
Curly: It's easy to be broad minded with all these dames around here, nyuk, nyuk.
Moe: You know what this is chicken brain?
Curly: Soitenly, that's an ice pick for chopping cubes for the punchbowl.
Moe: Then what's it doing in your nose?
Curly: Owowowowowwow!
Moe: Don't worry Doc, you can count on us.
Goldstein: You may mingle with the guests, but please be discreet.
$
Irish ambassador: A hundred thousand welcomes lads. Dr. Goldstein has spoken much of you.
Curly: Hey Paddy, who's the goirl over there in the checkered skoirt you was yacking to?
Irish Ambassador: Er...that's the Scottish ambassador. I'm intimately acquainted with him as we're both of Celtic origin.
Curly: Sheesh, what a battleax...him? Ny-a-a-a-a-a-a-h-h!
Larry: Ambassador, pay no attention to Curly; he's the black sheep of the family.
Moe: You numbskull, you're inferring all sheep of color are morons and giving them a Black Eye.
SMACK!
Larry: OUWWWW.
Moe: And you, lamebrain, one more word out of you and I'll do this, RAP! This, BOP! And this, WAP!
Curly: Ahooow!
Larry: Boy Moe, you just gave Curly a real shiner.
Curly: Yeah Moe, looks like the pot's calling the kettle black, nyuk, nyuk.
Moe: Excuse me gentlemen, I didn't mean to blacken your names...
Larry: Oh, that's okay Moe.
Curly: Yeah--we excuses ya.
Moe: ...Just your eyes.
SMACK! SMACK!
Larry, Curly: OWWWWWW.
Irish Ambassador: Don't trouble yourselves lads, we homo sapiens are a flawed creation and quite prone to a mistake or two now and again. If you will excuse me for a minute...
Curly: You hear what that crossdresser's chum just called us?
Moe: Listen...
Australian Ambassador: My wife Susan's main past-time is horticulture. Ironically, when it comes to exhibiting her best bloomers, black-eyed Susans are often the only result...
Moe: You hear that boys? He's such a chauvenist he beats his wife for wearing bloomers.
Mexican Ambassador: Have you any recent agreements on the partitioning of Cyprus?
Turkish Ambassador: No, we should never have invited Greece back so soon to the bargaining table given their latest dispicable offer.
Moe: And this guy slurs Pedro over there right to his face.
English Ambassador: I find the current blackguard in Washington beneath our contempt. Whitehall is obviously a superior governing body.
Larry: You hear that--this guy's down on black security guards and thinks only whites should be in charge at city hall.
Senator Moynahan: One must admit that with the truth they have been quite niggardly.
Moe: A Democrat using the "n" word--this is more serious than I thought boys.
Canadian Ambassador: Perhaps the scandals will strengthen the splinter opposition, Senator--what if Jessie Jackson once again throws his hat in the ring?
Senator Moynahan: Dark horses as often as not shake up the status quo.
Curly: Yeah Moe, you hear what he just called the Reverend?
Moe: Something's amiss here fellahs and it's not the Scottish Ambassador.
Ethiopean Ambassador: We should show proper discrimination and avoid entirely such tangents in politics.
Nigerian Ambassador: The American president has truly turned out to be a white elephant for his supporters. It is said he has even shunned his own military.
Kenyan Ambassador: White feathers make for inferior leaders.
Larry: You catch that Moe? These colored clowns are as racist as those white bozos.
Moe: Yeah, they think white leaders are featherbrains and they won't vote for a gent just because he1s tan.
Larry: And they're poking fun at our president just because he's white and eats a lot of junk food.
Moe: Junk food eh? Gentlemen, you see that dessert table over there? You know what our duty is...
Larry: To throw pie in the face of prejudice...
Moe: On my signal...let 'em have it boys.
Larry: A wife beater hey? SWOOSH!
Moe: No minorities at city hall eh? SWOOSH!
Curly: You think whites are chumps? SWOOSH! And this one's for the Rev! SWOOSH!
Kenyan Ambassador: I've always wondered if it were actually true that the English cook birds into their pies...
English Ambassador: I can assure you Old King Cole did not bake birds in his pies..."pie birds" are little vents, sometimes carved in the shape of a bird, placed in the pie to allow steam to escape from the inside and keep it from boiling over. They also help support the crust. Pie birds, I'm afraid, have never been known to fly...
SPLATTER! SPLATTER! SPLATTER!...
$$$
From the Tailing Box...
Whirlwinder:
You're buying Zappa again? You Polack! --O. Bleak
Dear O. Bleak:
PrOfits I will not LACK. --Whirlwind.
E-mail PMs questions/comments to whirlwindbuyszappa@mindless.com |
