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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Capt who wrote (659)	9/26/1998 10:38:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. "Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?" "Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

To: Capt who wrote (659)	9/26/1998 10:38:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. Decaflon (n.) The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly. Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry. Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (n.), which has made a meal of many species. Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex. Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell. Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world. Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit. Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

To: Capt who wrote (659)	9/26/1998 10:40:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

"Great Truths About Life That Little Children Have Learned" * No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. * When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. * If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. * Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. * You can't trust dogs to watch your food. * Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. * Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. * Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. * Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time. * School lunches stick to the wall. * You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. * Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. * The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap. * Be sure the water hose nozzle is turned away from your face. * Make sure the screen door is open before running inside.

To: Capt who wrote (659)	9/26/1998 10:42:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

To: Capt who wrote (659)	9/26/1998 10:44:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Sayings: * For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. * Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? * Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! * I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol * I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. * Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm * Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding * Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese * I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week * I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met * I intend to live forever - so far, so good * I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy * If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! * Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! * Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States * Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. * Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have * Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. * The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. * Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. * If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. * Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. * When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. * Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. * Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? * What happens if you get scared half to death twice? * I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. * Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. * Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. * Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. * OK, so what's the speed of dark? * Black holes are where God divided by zero.

To: Capt who wrote (659)	9/26/1998 10:48:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. Two weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. When she told me I was average, she was just being mean. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!" Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

To: Capt who wrote (659)	9/28/1998 12:02:00 AM
From: treetopflier	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

GETTING EVEN -- not that I would do anything like this ;) -=-==-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-= A list of ways to get even with someone. Example: GARAGE SALE: Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. Come early! X-RAYS AT AIRPORTS: Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the victims carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped and inspected by airport security officials. LOST KEYS: Get a hold of some old useless keys (car, house, etc.). Place victim's name, phone number and $50.00 reward... if found and returned. Drop the keys in one of the less desirable areas of town. PAPER MONEY: Write a sexually oriented solicitation message, victim's name and phone number (inviting a phone call) on the edge of several pieces of paper money before spending them. The victim will receive many eye popping inquiries. DOGS: Purchase a silent dog whistle. In the early hours of the morning (2am-4am) go near the victim's house and blow the silent whistle and the dog will begin to bark uncontrollably until the owner awakes and disciplines the animal. When the owner goes back to bed repeat the process again. FAX MACHINES - Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim's fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been transmitted, tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle until the victim's fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller I.D. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has somehow cheated you.