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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: DScottD who wrote (7074)	9/28/1998 12:26:00 PM
From: Calvin Scott	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

ALL BABIES start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as..... "Mr. President."

To: DScottD who wrote (7074)	9/28/1998 8:33:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 62549

"What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine," the society matron asked the zookeeper. "The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick." This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer quill. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ President Clinton and Jerry Falwell were on Air Force One. The stewardess came and asked the President if he'd like something to drink. He replied, " A gin and tonic, please." Next she asked Mr. Falwell. He replied, "I'd rather be hog-tied and horse-whipped by a brazen whore than to let liquor touch my lips." President Clinton hands his drink back to the stewardess and says, "I didn't know we had a choice." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear about the new Catholic edition of Playboy? It's got the same centerfold as the regular edition, but you have to pull it out at just the right moment. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ At a cocktail party, a man gets totally plastered, goes up to the host and says "Excuse me, but do lemons have feathers?", in a slurred voice. "I beg your pardon?" says the host. The drunk asks again: "Do lemons have feathers?", as he struggles to hold his balance. A rather bemused host says "No I don't think so". The drunk looks sheepish then says: "Oopsie". "What?", asks the host. And the drunk: "I think I've just squeezed your canary into my drink".