Thought for the Next Period of Time
"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way." -- Henny Youngman
Previous Thoughts
Man: "I'm neurotic. I need to see other women."
Woman: "I'm schizophrenic. I am other women." -- Richard Jeni
"We Cheat the Other Guy and Pass the Savings on to You!" -- Slogan for Chilkoot Charlie's; a dining establishment in Alaska.
"Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts." -- Norm Peterson on Cheers.
"Only in America do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke." -- Unknown
"Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. 'That's a good point, Sparky.' 'No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.'" -- From a list called "How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace"
"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less." -- Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
"If a man makes a statement in the woods, and there is no woman around to hear it, is he still wrong?" -- Submitted by David G. Kincaid
"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station..."
"A day without sunshine is like, night." -- Unknown
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car." - Bumper sticker
Small Company's Slogan: "Remember: if it's in stock, we have it!!"
"Anyone who thinks he or she is indispensable should stick a finger in a bowl of water and notice the hole it leaves when it is pulled out." -- Harvey Mackay
"First, become invincible." -- Sun Tau, 2500 B.C.
"I just got back from a pleasure trip; I took my mother-in-law to the airport." -- Henny Youngman
"A woman's place is in control." -- Bumper sticker
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast." --Jonathan Katz
"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." - Jim Finks, General Manager of the New Orleans Saints, in 1986, when asked what he thought of the referees.
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record to begin the 1992 season: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
Leslie Droll, a breast cancer survivor, on how her life changed after treatment (quoted in the October 1997 issue of Quality Progress):
"Before my priorities were family, money, profession, and God. Now they are God, family, ice cream and vacation."
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met." - Unknown
"If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?" - Unknown
"If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it." - Scott Adams, creator of "Dilbert".
"Men are idiots and I married their King". - Bumper sticker
"ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI." - Slogan on a tee shirt
"The scientific theory I like the best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." - Mark Russell
"Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It's not fair that some men should be happier than others." - Oscar Wilde
"While you are away, movie stars are taking your women. Robert Redford is dating your girlfriend. Tom Selleck is kissing your lady. Bart Simpson is making love to your wife." -- "Baghdad Betty", an Iraqi radio announcer, trying to demoralize American Gulf War troops
"It's not school I hate -- it's the principal of the thing!"
"Minnesota voters played a major role in the victory of that state's gubernatorial primary elections yesterday." - National Rifle Association press release
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." - Attributed to Brooke Shields
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. . . . The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but they can't remember what they are." - Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country" - Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
"We had an empire to run." - John Cleese, responding to the question "Why does British food suck?"
Suggestion for a bumper sticker (from a local newspaper): "Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot."
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." - Attributed to Mariah Carey
"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know?" - George Bush, quoted in the "Stupidest Things Ever Said"
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?" - Steven Wright
"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." - Phyllis Diller
"A genius is somebody who thinks exactly as I do." - Unknown
British Admiralty Instructions dealing with the storage of warheads and torpedoes (from the "Stupidest Things Ever Said"):
"It is necessary for technical reasons that these warheads should be stored with the top at the bottom, and the bottom at the top. In order that there may be no doubt as to which is the top and which is the bottom, for storage purposes, it will be seen that the bottom of each head has been labeled with the word TOP."
"You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be." - Dan Quayle, addressing a group of Samoan people
"It is solemnly hoped that someday a genius will come along and invent something that will make golf unnecessary."
"Market research firms tend to serve the same function for the high-tech industry as a lamppost does for a drunk". - Unknown
"I shot an arrow, through the air,
And where it lands, I do not care . . .
I get my arrows wholesale!" - Curly Howard, The Three Stooges
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers
"Never go into the cattle raising business; you might get a bum steer (and you'll be beefing about it for a long time)." - Unknown
"Loquacity is the fistula of the mind."
"Quoting someone else is always a good idea. If it sounds good, you get the credit. If it's stupid, you didn't say it." - Unknown
"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently, there must be a beverage." - Woody Allen
"He who lives in glass house better dress in the basement."
One man's excuse for running a stop sign: "I don't believe everything I read."
"If a cat always lands on its feet, and bread always lands buttered side down, what would happen if you buttered your bread and strapped it on the back of a cat?" - Michael Davis |
