Secret to making a marriage last.
Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine,
good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
__________________________
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
__________________________
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
___________________________
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
__________________________
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread
maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to
sit down! So I Bought her an electric chair.
_________________________
My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water
in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was
in the lake.
__________________________
My wife went on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but she can now climb a tree!
_________________________
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
_________________________
One day she ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" No, jump in!" replied the driver.....
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and
started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention
was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept
repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! Why did you die? Why
did you die?"
Yawn (Def) :- The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
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Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"
Teacher says, "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
Teacher smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking
about a spanking the monkey."
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A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down
in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get
the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in
This one either."
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12 Jewish guys decide to take a trip through the desert, so they go to the
Arab camel-hire man to hire camels. The Arab tells them it's 1000 dinars
per camel, which they find too expensive. "12000 dinars for transport?
No way". So they decide to hire just the one camel, which they all ride,
from head to tail. After a mile or so, the camel starts staggering, trembling
etc. The firts guy, the one on the camel's snout almost, turns to the
second man and says "I guess the camel is fucked...". The second turns
to the third and relays, "I guess the camel is fucked...". The third to the
fourth and so on, until the 11th turns to the 12th who was sitting on
the camel's very end, and says "I guess the camel is fucked". "So what do
you want me to do?", says the twelfth. "If I pull it out, I'll fall off!"
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