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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (7289)	10/14/1998 2:48:00 PM
From: High Grader	Respond to of 62547

> > > >>1) > >> > >>> The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized > that > >>> if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the > >>> whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole > >>> dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the > >>best > >>> fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be > >>> entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down > >>> its arms. > >>> > >>> The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler > >>> female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest > >>Siberian > >>> wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each > >>> litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used > >>steroids > >>> and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog > >>the > >>> world had ever seen. > >>> > >>> Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody > could > >>> get near it. > >>> > >>> When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed > >>> up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone > >>> felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that > >>> this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. > >>> > >>> When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage > >>> and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog > >>> snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American > dachshund. > >>> But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the > >>> Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. > >>> > >>> There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. > >>> > >>> The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in > >>> disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had > >>our > >>> best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and > >>> Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian > >>> wolves." > >>> > >>> "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic > >>> surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a > >>Dachshund." > >> > >>2) > >> > >>Nominated for quote of the year is the statement > >>made by Representative Dick Armey, who when asked if he were in the > >>President's place, would he resign, responded: > >> > >> "If I were in the President's place I would not > >> get a chance to resign. I would be lying in a pool of my own blood > >> hearing Mrs. Armey standing over me saying, 'How do I reload this damn > >> thing?'" > >> > >>3) > >> > >>>His and Her ATM usage explained: > >>> > >>>HIS > >>>1. Pull up to ATM > >>>2. Insert card > >>>3. Enter PIN number and account > >>>4. Take cash, card and receipt > >>> > >>>HER > >>>1. Pull up to ATM > >>>2. Check makeup in rearview mirror > >>>3. Shut off engine > >>>4. Put keys in purse > >>>5. Get out of car b/c you're too far from machine > >>>6. Hunt for card in purse > >>>7. Insert card > >>>8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written > >>>on it > >>>9. Enter PIN number > >>>10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. > >>>11. Hit "cancel" > >>>12. Re-enter correct PIN number > >>>13. Check balance > >>>14. Look for envelope > >>>15. Look in purse for pen > >>>16. Make out deposit slip > >>>17. Endorse checks > >>>18. Make deposit > >>>19. Study instructions > >>>20. Make cash withdrawal > >>>21. Get in car > >>>22. Check makeup > >>>23. Look for keys > >>>24. Start car > >>>25. Check makeup > >>>26. Start pulling away > >>>27. STOP > >>>28. Back up to machine > >>>29. Get out of car > >>>30. Take card and receipt > >>>31. Get back in car > >>>32. Put card in wallet > >>>33. Put receipt in checkbook > >>>34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook > >>>35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook > >>>36. Check makeup > >>>37. Put car in gear, reverse > >>>38. Put car in drive > >>>39. Drive away from machine > >>>40. Travel 3 miles > >>>41. Release parking brake > >> > >>4) > >> > >>> > >>> > Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 > >>> > > >>> > characters and add the first and last initial to either the > >>> beginning or > >>> > > >>> > end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L.Ferguson = > >>> mlfergus > >>> > > >>> > or fergusml. > >>> > > >>> > They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen > >>> when > >>> > > >>> > you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to > >>> that a > >>> > > >>> > large database of company/college Acronyms and you have some very > >>> funny > >>> > > >>> > addresses. > >>> > > >>> > Probably not funny to the individuals involved, however: > >>> > > >>> > TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses > >>> > > >>> > > > >>> > > >>> > 10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu > >>> > > >>> > 9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu > >>> > > >>> > 8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - > >>> > > >>> > blowmegd@dropdrawers.com <mailto:blowmegd@dropdrawers.com> > >>> > > >>> > 7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - > >>> > > >>> > dickinme@iup.edu <mailto:dickinme@iup.edu> > >>> > > >>> > 6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - > >>> kissinfk@lvu.edu > >>> > > >>> > 5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - > >>> > > >>> > beeranbj@myplace.com <mailto:beeranbj@myplace.com> > >>> > > >>> > 4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu > >>> > > >>> > 3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu > >>> > >>> > > >>> > 2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, > >>> > > >>> > Overton Canada) kisser@bendover.com > >>> > > >>> > 1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com > >>> > > >>> > > >>> > >> > >> > >

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (7289)	10/14/1998 2:53:00 PM
From: Capt	Respond to of 62547

Seinfeldisms 1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 2. Can fat people go skinny-dipping? 3. Can you be a closet claustrophobic? 4. Why is the word abbreviation so long? 5. Is it possible to be totally partial? 6. What's another word for thesaurus? 7. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? 8. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? 9. When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in? 10. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 11. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? 12. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 14. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? 15. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? 16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? 17. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? 18. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? 19. Why is bra singular and panties plural? 20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 21. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 22. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure? 23. Is there another word for synonym? 24. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice"? 25. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? 26. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? 27. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? 28. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 29. Why do they report power outages on TV?

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (7289)	10/15/1998 5:03:00 AM
From: Anthony Graham Poyser	Respond to of 62547

> > These quotes were taken from actual employee performance > > evaluations. > > > > > > "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and > > has started to dig." > > > > "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid > > curiosity" > > > > "I would not allow this employee to breed" > > > > "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of > > a definite won't be" > > > > "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a > > rat in a trap" > > > > "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change > > feet" > > > > "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle" > > > > "This young lady has delusions of adequacy" > > > > "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to > > achieve them" > > > > "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot" > > > > "This employee should go far, and the sooner the better" > > > > "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all > > together" > > > > "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus" > > > > "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless" > > > > "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier" > > > > "I would like to go hunting with him sometime" > > > > "He's been working with glue too much" > > > > "He would argue with a signpost" > > > > "He has knack for making strangers immediately" > > > > "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room" > > > > "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell" > > > > "If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other > > one" > > > > "A photographic memory but with the lens over the cap" > > > > "A prime candidate for natural deselection" > > > > "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it" > > > > "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't > > coming" > > > > "Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it" > > > > "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a > > week" > > > > "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change" > > > > "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean" > > > > "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm" > > > > "One neuron short of a synapse" > > > > "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled" > > > > "Takes him 1 + hours to watch 60 Minutes" > > > > "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead" **********************************************************************