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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Anthony Graham Poyser who wrote (7421)	10/21/1998 12:17:00 PM
From: Anthony Graham Poyser	Respond to of 62543

This little 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today." "Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!" says the mom. A while later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. he's been really bad today." Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy. "Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!" So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad. The boy replied, "Nah my ass is still sore."

To: Anthony Graham Poyser who wrote (7421)	10/21/1998 12:19:00 PM
From: Anthony Graham Poyser	Respond to of 62543

City Of Los Angeles High School Math Exam Name:_____________________ Gang:________________________ 1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload? 2. If John has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jimmy for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it? 3. Richard is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Richard can pay for his $800 per day crack habit? 4. Jacob wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need? 5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800? 6. Robert is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money? 7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint? 8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

To: Anthony Graham Poyser who wrote (7421)	10/21/1998 12:22:00 PM
From: Anthony Graham Poyser	Respond to of 62543

> > These quotes were taken from actual employee performance > > evaluations. > > > > > > "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and > > has started to dig." > > > > "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid > > curiosity" > > > > "I would not allow this employee to breed" > > > > "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of > > a definite won't be" > > > > "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a > > rat in a trap" > > > > "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change > > feet" > > > > "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle" > > > > "This young lady has delusions of adequacy" > > > > "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to > > achieve them" > > > > "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot" > > > > "This employee should go far, and the sooner the better" > > > > "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all > > together" > > > > "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus" > > > > "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless" > > > > "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier" > > > > "I would like to go hunting with him sometime" > > > > "He's been working with glue too much" > > > > "He would argue with a signpost" > > > > "He has knack for making strangers immediately" > > > > "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room" > > > > "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell" > > > > "If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other > > one" > > > > "A photographic memory but with the lens over the cap" > > > > "A prime candidate for natural deselection" > > > > "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it" > > > > "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't > > coming" > > > > "Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it" > > > > "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a > > week" > > > > "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change" > > > > "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean" > > > > "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm" > > > > "One neuron short of a synapse" > > > > "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled" > > > > "Takes him 1 + hours to watch 60 Minutes" > > > > "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

To: Anthony Graham Poyser who wrote (7421)	10/21/1998 12:25:00 PM
From: Anthony Graham Poyser	Respond to of 62543

Male chauvinism: How many men does it take to open a beer? > > >None. It should be opened by the time she brings it > > > > > >Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? > > >Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never > be > > able > > >to support you. > > > > > >Why do women have smaller feet than men? > > >So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink. > > > > > >How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? > > >When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me..." > > > > > >How do you fix a woman's watch? > > >You don't. There's a clock on the oven. > > > > > >Why are women like guns? > > >Keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it. > > > > > >If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at > the > > >front door, who do you let in first? > > >The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in. > > > > > >All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell > them > > >apart. > > > > > >What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? > > >A woman that won't do what she's told. > > > > > >I married Miss Right. > > >I just didn't know her first name was Always. > > > > > >I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to > interrupt > > her. > > > > > >What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? > > >Divorced. > > > > > >Bigamy is having one wife too many. > > >Some say monogamy is the same. > > > > > >Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex > drive by > > >90%. > > >Wedding cake. > > > > > >Marriage is a 3 ring circus: > > >Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. > > > > > >

To: Anthony Graham Poyser who wrote (7421)	10/21/1998 12:27:00 PM
From: Anthony Graham Poyser	Respond to of 62543

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston... My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. Excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )'s] Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. ------

To: Anthony Graham Poyser who wrote (7421)	10/21/1998 12:30:00 PM
From: Anthony Graham Poyser	Respond to of 62543

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved this morning, I cut my face. The second old fogey one-upped him and said "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers". The third old man laughed and said "That's nothing, My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

To: Anthony Graham Poyser who wrote (7421)	10/21/1998 12:33:00 PM
From: Anthony Graham Poyser	Respond to of 62543

> Woman walks into a supermarket and buys: 1 bar of soap > 1 toothbrush > 1 tube toothpaste > 1 loaf of bread > 1 pint of milk > 1 single serving cereal > 1 single serving frozen dinner > > The guy at the checkout looks at her and says "Single are you?" > > The woman replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" > > He replies, "Because you're so f**king ugly."

To: Anthony Graham Poyser who wrote (7421)	10/21/1998 12:35:00 PM
From: Anthony Graham Poyser	Respond to of 62543

MISCHIEF In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, which were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about 5 minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, “Where is God?” The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, “Where is God?”. Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, “Where is God?”. The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, “We are in BIG trouble”. The older boy asked, “What do you mean, BIG trouble?” His brother replied, “God is missing and they think we did it”.

To: Anthony Graham Poyser who wrote (7421)	10/22/1998 11:12:00 AM
From: PMS Witch	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62543

Thank-you. Your post was funny and even more unusual, it hasn't been posted yet. PW. P.S. I've read all of this thread's posts. People envy my spare time! P.P.S. I claim to have read all these posts. I don't claim to remember them all.

To: Anthony Graham Poyser who wrote (7421)	10/25/1998 7:32:00 PM
From: Kip518	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62543

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? -Age 15 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -Age 13 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. -Age 8 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote .-Age 10 Home is where the house is. -Age 6 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. -Age13 I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. -Age 15 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out -Age 6 My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth-that most of us go to hell and burn eternally - but I didn't want to upset him. - Age 10 I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. -Age 15 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. -Age 5 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. -Age 11 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. -Age 13 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. -Age 14 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. -Age 7 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. -Age 15 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. - Age 5 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! -Age 6 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" -Age 15 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? -Age 15 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. -Age 15