Colleen,
**** OT **** In response to your "Darwin Award Candidates"
Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame
>
> Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people--many
> of whom use their stupidity for personal gain.
>
> From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to
> achieve new levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law.
> To these brave men and women--ooops, "women and men"--we present
> the highest possible honor:
> entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame."
>
> The following are their accounts ...
>
> Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a
> cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper
> of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off
> the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck.
> Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still
> attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the
> chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the
> bumper.
>
> (Editor's Note 1: And they wonder why we call them "Yahoos"...)
>
> South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station,
> dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk
> sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person
> who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
>
>
> Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and
> demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed
> him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
>
>
> England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows
> up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about
> golf, the customs official realizes that the tourist does not
> know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist
> to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial
> amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.
>
>
> Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her,
> a woman decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel
> (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local
> zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and
> transported it back to her house--where she realized that the
> camel's name was "Otto."
>
>
> Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for
> Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a
> 47-year- old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed.
> She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
>
>
> Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay
> $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For
> payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged* check.
> He got 10 years.
>
>
> (Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a
> gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask
> over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes
> in the mask.
>
>
> (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after
> hours and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video
> camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape
> recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the
> videotape of himself stealing the camera.)
>
>
> (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's
> basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up
> pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could
> not get to the money from where he was,(2) he could not climb
> back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was
> bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911"
> for help ...
>
>
> Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to
> steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they
> snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it
> onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so
> these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy.
> Banging up *more* walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator
> BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to
> realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they
> abandoned it .
>
>
> (Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K
> (a convenience store) similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the
> counter and asked for change.
> When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun
> and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
> promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled
> leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
> got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
>
> Snow Writing
>
> Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead
> of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn,
> he sees "The President Must Go" written in urine across the
> snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off.
>
> He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody
> wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they
> wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch had to be standing right
> on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The
> security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.
> Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and
> FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"
> The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits.
>
> Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him
> and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we
> have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"
>
> Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news first."
>
> The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and
> tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's
> urine."
>
> Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own
> Vice President! Damn....Well, what's the really bad news?"
>
> The officer replies "Well sir, it's Hillary's handwriting."
>
>
> 30 Gallons of Milk
>
> Back in the days when milk was delivered to the home, a
> milkman, while making a delivery, noticed a note for him
> on the door of one of his customers. The note read " Please
> leave me 30 gallons of milk." This was very odd, so the
> milkman knocked on the door. A beautiful woman answered
> the door and the milkman questions, " I think you have a
> misprint on your note, it says you want 30 gallons of milk.
> " The woman replies, " Its not a misprint. I wish to take a
> milk bath so I need the extra milk to fill my tub.
> " The milkman says, " Well ok, would you like your milk
> pasteurized?"
> The woman replies" No, just up to my tits would be fine." |
