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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: dougb 1 who wrote (7578)	11/2/1998 4:58:00 PM
From: Tomato	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62551

> >GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE > >God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to > >better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the > >following questions. > >Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely > >confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless > >you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. > >1. How did you find out about your Deity? > > ___ Newspaper > > ___ Bible > > ___ Torah > > ___ Book of Mormon > > ___ Koran > > ___ Divine inspiration > > ___ Dead Sea Scrolls > > ___ My mama told me > > ___ Near-death experience > > ___ Near-life experience > > ___ National Public Radio > > ___ Tabloid > > ___ Burning shrubbery > > ___ Other (specify): _____________ > > > >2. Which model Deity did you acquire? > > ___ Yahweh > > ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost > > ___ Jehovah > > ___ Jesus > > ___ Krishna > > ___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] > > ___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] > > ___ Allah > > ___ Satan > > ___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature > > ___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer) > > ___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin) > > ___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god > >3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working > >order > >and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? > > ___ Yes > > ___ No > > > > If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. > >Please indicate all that apply: > > ___ Not eternal > > ___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe > > ___ Not omniscient > > ___ Not omnipotent > > ___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all > >creations) > > ___ Permits sex outside of marriage > > ___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage > > ___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms) > > ___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people > > ___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched > > ___ Requires burnt offerings > > ___ Requires virgin sacrifices > > ___ Plays dice with the universe > > > >4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? > > Please check all that apply. > > ___ Indoctrinated by parents > > ___ Needed a reason to live > > ___ Indoctrinated by society > > ___ Needed focus in whom to despise > > ___ Imaginary friend grew up > > ___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense > > ___ Graduated from the tooth fairy > > ___ Hate to think for myself > > ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys > > ___ Fear of death > > ___ Wanted to piss off parents > > ___ Needed a day away from work > > ___ Desperate need for certainty > > ___ Like organ music > > ___ Need to feel morally superior > > ___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool > > ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it > > > >5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were > >you > >fooled by? Please check all that apply. > > ___ Mick Jagger > > ___ Rajanish > > ___ Baal > > ___ The almighty dollar > > ___ Bill Gates > > ___ Left-wing liberalism > > ___ The radical right > > ___ Ra > > ___ Beelzebub > > ___ Barney T.B.P.D. > > ___ The Great Spirit > > ___ The Great Pumpkin > > ___ The sun > > ___ Elvis > > ___ Cindy Crawford > > ___ The moon > > ___ TV news > > ___ Burning shrubbery > > ___ Other: ________________ > > > > > >6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to > >God? Please check all that apply. > > ___ Tarot > > ___ Lottery > > ___ Astrology > > ___ Television > > ___ Fortune cookies > > ___ Ann Landers > > ___ Psychic Friends Network > > ___ Dianetics > > ___ Palmistry > > ___ Playboy and/or Playgirl > > ___ Self-help books > > ___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll > > ___ Biorhythms > > ___ Alcohol > > ___ Bill Clinton > > ___ Tea leaves > > ___ EST > > ___ CompuServe > > ___ Mantras > > ___ Jimmy Swaggert > > ___ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) > > ___ Human sacrifice > > ___ Pyramids > > ___ Wandering in a desert > > ___ Burning shrubbery > > ___ Barney T.B.P.D. > > ___ Barney Fife > > ___ Other:___________ > > > >7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the > >balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer > >(circle one)? > > > > a. More divine intervention > > b. Less divine intervention > > c. Current level of divine intervention is just right > > d. Don't know...what's divine intervention? > > > >8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and > >miracles. > >Please rate on a scale of 1-5 his handling of the following > >(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent): > > > > Disasters: > > 1 2 3 4 5 flood > > 1 2 3 4 5 famine > > 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake > > 1 2 3 4 5 war > > 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence > > 1 2 3 4 5 plague > > 1 2 3 4 5 spam > > 1 2 3 4 5 AOL > > > > Miracles: > > 1 2 3 4 5 rescues > > 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions > > 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns > > 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues > > 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine > > 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water > > 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks > > 1 2 3 4 5 Saddam Hussein still alive > > 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever > > > >9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the > >quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.) > > > > ********************************************** > > > >If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our > >conveniently located drop-off boxes by October 31 you will be entered in > >the > >One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are > >approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power, depending on number of > >beings entered).