Studio Quotes:
Be careful about what you say in the studio - it might end
out in complete sincerity with a straight face.
"That's a leaver" - bass player, whenever he finished a
track (he meant "keeper").
"Nobody ever told me I would have to play in time"
- guitar player, after blowing many, many takes.
"The kick is just a subliminal thing" - bass player, when
asked if he knew how to play in time with the kick.
"Record companies won't sign you if you don't have vintage gear" - bass player, while trying to justify the purchase of crappy '70s Fender gear.
"Just double the whole mix so it will have that fatsound"-songwriter.
"So do you think the Goo Goo Dolls go home and practice
on their own?" - guitar player, when told to practice at home.
"I just want to climb a mountain, get naked, and smoke a
joint" - same guitar player.
"I can't wait 'til I'm famous and get arrested and can say
"I'll be out in a couple of days'" - future rockstar.
"But dude, it's gonna happen" - bass player, when asked
to sign a contract guaranteeing he wouldn't miss a gig
because of too much drugs or alcohol.
"I wanna be a producer, you just tell me what to say and I'll
tell it to the band" - a guy who wanted to be a producer,
talking to an actual producer.
"Your clave part sounds like you're having a seizure with
two pieces of wood in your hand" - bass player who
couldn't keep time to a drummer who couldn't keep time.
"I'm just using music to become the political leader of the world"-
keyboard player, wanted to legalize pot.
"We're just gonna take $20, we'll find women who'll put us
up and feed us" - band leader (!?), embarking on two week,
out-of-state road tour...ended up sleeping in van every night
and getting very, very hungry.
"I am an artist, I am brooding and complex!" - an artist.
"I have impeccable timing, the click must be slowing
down" - drummer, doing overdub to drum machine click
track.
"Sounds like a turd floating in a bowl" - drummer, commenting
about another drummer's track.
"Can't you just add a little delay, harmonizer, compression,
reverb, and enhancer to make it sound like it's supposed
to?" - guitar player, trying to get out of re-cutting a bad track.
"Hey, I think you are on to something with this tube gear"
- gear "expert".
"Yeah, that's my sound" - guitar player, when questioned by
engineer why only the effects return signal was coming through his amp.
"It's not my sticks, It's your rims" - drummer, playing on the
house kit, explaining why a take got blown.
"We nail that when we play live" - guitar player making excuses
for bad take.
"This project will make your career" - everyone who comes through the
studio.
Tips for the studio:
Everyone who has ever even looked up "recording studio" in the phone
book
has written a guide about what to do in the studio. I thought I would
give you a guide about how to become the most talked-about
project-from-hell.
First of all, don't call ahead, just show up for your "get
acquainted" tour with lots of friend and girlfriends in tow. Try
to impress them with your coolness and knowledge as much
as possible. Touch everything, turn all the knobs, and brag about your buddy's bedroom facility that has much better gear.
Tell everyone about all the record companies that are eager to
sign you. Explain that your music is different than anything else out there.
Promise not to forget all of the little people that you are meeting
right here in this studio. The line "with one phone call, I could get a$10,000 advance right now" is a well proven one.
Show up late, it's hip. Get in a fight with your band-mates over
the song order on the CD while loading the gear into the studio.
Get drunk or stoned, preferably both, during the session. It will
make you play way better and you'll suddenly have lots of intelligent
stuff to say.
Insist on using your gear because it is "what you are comfortable with" but don't change strings or drum heads for at least a year before the session. It's best if you forget a crucial part of your setup such as a pedal, borrow one from the studio, then after the project is done and the CDs are pressed, complain that you weren't allowed to get "your tone" because the studio made you use really bad gear.
Remember: they tune guitars at the factory so you needn't bother.
Spend lots of time on the phone telling your friends to "call you
back at the studio."
That expensive studio gear LOVES cigarette smoke. Big gray mics are
"built to take it" so bang them around every chance you get. If you're a drummer, hit the snare mic every once in a while just to make sure the engineer is listening. Headphones are "built to take it" too. Leave them on the floor and step on them.
Eat a very spicy, greasy meal just before you do vocal tracks so that
you'll be able to belch a lot and leave a good film on the
microphone.
Flatulate freely.
Ask for free extra time with the promise that you'll "give thanks"
on your CD's label. If the studio has another band coming in after you, wait until they get there to move your stuff out of the studio so that the other band can see your cool gear and get pointers about what to get and how to get it set up.
Bring the whole band, all their boyfriends/girlfriends, parents,
friends, etc. to the mixdown sessions. All the players need as big a
team as possible to advocate for their own part to be the loudest in the mix.
Also try to make it as much like a party as possible so that you'll know what the mix will sound like at a party.
Try to get a deal on a duplication run of 25 units or less.
Appoint a friend as the band's "manager" or "agent". Hopefully
this individual will have listened to "lots and lots" of CDs so he will have vast experience in the music business. Put them in charge of the "hard management functions" like asking the studio "can you not cash this check for a couple of days, dude."
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