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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (7724)	11/12/1998 12:02:00 PM
From: The Rabbit	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62578

<gripe> If we're going to use preformatted text, could we at least work with it a little? </gripe> <joke> A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up, but then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT?!?" The wife explains that he is insensitive and must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth ?200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!"

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (7724)	11/12/1998 1:59:00 PM
From: Henry Volquardsen	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62578

"NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM" NEEDS YOU With an NBA player's strike against the team owners, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary line. And as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks-possibly a whole year! But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day - that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV - you can help keep a basketball player economically viable during his time of need. Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than a few months rent or mortgage payment. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary. Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio. Help needy starving players that have signed over 30 million dollar contracts fresh out of high school or college. What would they do now with the strike? How would they live? Put yourself in their shoes, if you were a fresh grad out of college, unproven and inexperienced, wouldn't you demand for a similar contract? "HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?" Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. "HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING" Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses. Simply fill out the form below. YES, I want to help! I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below: [ ] Starter [ ] Reserve [ ] Star* [ ] Superstar [ ] Entire team* [ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me. * Higher cost Much higher cost * Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team. (Does not include cheerleaders) Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for reserve or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel. [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Discover Card [ ] Diner's Club Your Name: _________________________ Telephone Number: ___________________ Account Number: _____________________ Exp. Date:______ Signature: ___________________________ Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone (Children under 18 must have parent's approval) Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much to busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax deductible.

To: SIer formerly known as Joe B. who wrote (7724)	11/13/1998 8:13:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62578

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ There's a little old lady on the corner, she had both hands holdin' her hat on while the wind blew her skirt up around her face. A dignified Southern Gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting you skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat." She said, "Look, everything down there is eighty years old, this hat is brand new!"