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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: John Messbauer who wrote (887)	11/16/1998 1:38:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Eight signs you have nothing to do at work... 1.You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 1998 2.You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis. 3.You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island. 4.You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs. 5.People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling. 6.No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop. 7.You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs. 8.The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements. ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\

To: John Messbauer who wrote (887)	11/16/1998 1:39:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University (Name is classified) grade their final exams: DEPT OF STATISTICS: - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind. DEPT OF HISTORY: - All students get the same grade they got last year. DEPT OF RELIGION: - Grade is determined by God. DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: - What is a grade? LAW SCHOOL: - Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A. DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: - Grades are variable. DEPT OF LOGIC: - If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A. DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: - Random number generator determines grade. MUSIC DEPARTMENT: - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively). DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION: - Everybody gets an A. ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\

To: John Messbauer who wrote (887)	11/16/1998 1:41:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

What's Its Name? Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too." Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?" Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?" Sam says, "How about rose?" "Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife. "Rose. Hey, Rose. What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?" ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\

To: John Messbauer who wrote (887)	11/16/1998 1:44:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Morris, a Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks. The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again. "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. Morris thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave. Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman. "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday. "That's a relief !" says Morris. "The plumber is coming that morning!" ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\

To: John Messbauer who wrote (887)	11/17/1998 6:14:00 PM
From: treetopflier	Respond to of 2733

Out of Gas A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage". Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you". Dad said, "Bring Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block". Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Susie?" Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home".

To: John Messbauer who wrote (887)	11/18/1998 4:46:00 PM
From: treetopflier	Read Replies (6) \| Respond to of 2733

Blond Joke A blonde got a brand new sports car for her 16th birthday. While she was out driving she was having fun and cut off a tractor trailer. The tractor trailer driver motioned her to pull off to the side of the road. When she pulled over, the truck pulled behind her and the driver got out. He took out chalk from his pocket and drew a circle on the road. He told the blonde not to step out of the circle. He went in to her car and cut her leather seats all up. When he turns around the blonde is laughing lightly. So he says, "you think thats funny, watch what I do now." He goes into his truck and pulls out a bat and smashes her windows and her car. Now she is laughing harder. He gets mad pulls out his pocket knife again and slices the tires. She starts laughing almost so hard she can't stand up. Now the truck driver gets really mad goes and gets a gas can and torches her car. Now she is on the ground rolling and laughing out of control. The truck driver turns and asks her, "Whats so funny? I just destroyed your brand new sports car." She replies, "When you weren't looking I stepped outside the circle four times!"