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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: treetopflier who wrote (902)	11/18/1998 4:56:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

-= Top Ten New Tourist Slogans For New York =- 10. We'll pick your pocket and steal your heart. 9. If our strippers don't smile, the next lap dance is free. 8. We break more laws by 9 AM than most cities do all day. 7. Come explore our mysterious puddles. 6. It's the city that never sleeps and rarely bathes. 5. Twice the fun and three times the crack. 4. We love to grope and it shows. 3. Food, folks, and felonies. 2. Yes that's a revolver in our pants, and yes we are happy to see you. 1. New York: the Gateway to Newark. ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\

To: treetopflier who wrote (902)	11/18/1998 4:57:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

20 Worst Things To Hear At A Nuclear Power Plant 1. Fission shmission, relax, I'll increase the water level after my coffee break. 2. Was that "Open valve A and close valve B" or was it the other way round? 3. This whole plant will be running under Win95 tomorrow. 4. HEY! Is smoke coming out of the core normal? 5. Who forgot to pay the water bill? 6. We got 12 seconds to WHAT???? 7. Meet your new plan superintendent: Bozo the clown. 8. A leak? Can't you fix it with duct tape or something? 9. Oh yeah! 50 bucks says I can make it blow. 10. It's Russian technology. 11. Move over Three Mile Island - here we come !!! 12. Sniff, sniff.... you smell that? 13. I used to work at Chernobyl. 14. All the way to the RIGHT, not LEFT you dummy! 15. It's your turn to wax the core. 16. How come all the big shots are leaving? 17. Is that a 60 minute film crew out there? 18. Is this part really necessary? 19. OF COURSE I went to high school. Didn't finish it, though. 20. Look at the good news: we are going to find out whether people actually glow in the dark. ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\

To: treetopflier who wrote (902)	11/18/1998 8:05:00 PM
From: Who, me?	Respond to of 2733

The Best of '98 Bumper Sticker Collection: Horn broken, watch for finger. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Keep honking, I'm reloading. Hang up and drive. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Liberalism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

To: treetopflier who wrote (902)	11/18/1998 8:15:00 PM
From: Who, me?	Respond to of 2733

Top this!!!! The following was taken from a Florida newspaper: A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm. Now THAT is a bad day...

To: treetopflier who wrote (902)	11/18/1998 8:22:00 PM
From: Who, me?	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

I'm cleaning out my email files so I may be recycling!! This is a true story from a software help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the organization [which shall remain nameless] for "unfair dismissal". Actual dialogue between a former customer support employee and a customer: "Customer Services; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with my word processing package." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in word processing, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ".......Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "....... Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes -the light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power cut." "A power... A power cut? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

To: treetopflier who wrote (902)	11/18/1998 10:01:00 PM
From: Gordon Quickstad	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

An older man goes golfing and takes along a caddy. His first shot off the tee slices way to the right. His next two hook far to the left. The very next shot is topped and dribbles out only fifteen feet. He says to his caddy "If that's all the better I can play this game, I may as well walk over to that water hazard over there and drown myself!". The caddy says, "Sir, I don't think that would be possible. You can't keep your head down long enough."