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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: danjo who wrote (7850)	11/19/1998 4:54:00 PM
From: Bob Bryenton	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62552

In the lower ranks of the MIS world, sorting out job titles is a nearly impossible task. Some folks are called Analysts. Some are called Programmers. Some are called Engineers. None of them has window offices. Here is a list-from lowest to highest in order of prestige-and description of the 10 most commonly used job titles in a data processing shop. A truly experienced high-tech professional has held five or even six of these positions...usually all at the same time. 10. Programmer: This person holds the lowest rank in the DP field. Manages no one. Answers to everyone. Approximately 50% of the Programmer's time is scheduled for testing. Another 50% is spent filling out time cards and progress reports. Any time left over is spent attending classes on technologies that will never be used in the shop. The Programmer is appraised on code quality and reliability. Never has time to write any. Hopes to, someday, be promoted to Systems Analyst. 9. Systems Analyst: The Systems Analyst refuses to code anymore. Designs new systems. Writes specs for new systems. Devises procedures and work flows for new systems but ends up training users on how to get by with the old ones. Next in line for Team Leader position. 8. Team Leader: A Team Leader manages one project. Doesn't know why it's not called Project Leader; that's what it has on his resume. 7. Project Leader: Manages several projects at once. Analyzes Gantt charts from the Team Leaders' projects. Coordinates schedules from the Team Leaders' projects. Monitors deliverables from the Team Leaders' projects. Has absolutely no idea what any of the Team Leaders' projects are about. Wants to be a programmer again. 6. Operator: The Operator wields powers that the Project Leader can only dream about. Makes Programmers beg for tape drives. Makes Analysts beg for disk space. Makes Team Leaders beg for printouts. Has an uncanny understanding of career potential in the data processing industry. Goes to law school at night. 5. Systems Programmer: Even an Operator wants to be a Systems Programmer. A Systems programmer has the authority to wipe out disk packs without warning. Crash the system during user demos. Make new releases appear, then disappear, then reappear again, especially during month-end processing. 4 DBA: No one really knows what the Database Administrator does, and no one is smart enough to know if the DBA is doing it or not. But every shop must have one DBA, because no place can afford two of them. 3. Manager: A department manager is sometimes called a Director. Or an Assistant Vice-President. Or an Account Manager. Has completely lost touch with any facsimile of technology. Wants to finish next year's budget. Wants to finish last year's appraisals. Wants to learn the names of some of the Programmers. But instead, only has time to interview job applicants, especially DBAs. 2. Department Secretary: The Programmers have word processing. The Managers have electronic mail. Everyone has automatic phone messaging. This leaves the Department Secretary with all kinds of time to manipulate, control and dispense the three most basic employee needs: paychecks, rumors, and supplies. Can make copier self-destruct just by going to lunch. 1. Contract Programmer: A Contract Programmer doesn't have to wear a nice suit. Or go to meetings. Or fill out time cards. Or keep complaints to itself. It can make all the mistakes it wants. Doesn't get benefits. Doesn't get training. Doesn't get respect. But after years in the trenches, the Contract Programmer will finally achieve the ultimate goal in the profession: It will be able to make impossible deadlines with inadequate resources for desperate managers by putting in all kinds of extra hours... and will be paid overtime for every one of them.

To: danjo who wrote (7850)	11/19/1998 8:32:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Respond to of 62552

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies "O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black" "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."