An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped.
He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said,
"The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse.
The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working."
The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had
a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him.
Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about
cars anyway."
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A Michigan Graduate was suffering from constipation, so his
doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn't
produce the desired results. "Have you been taking them regularly?"
the doctor asked.
"What do you think I've been doing," the grad said, "shoving them
up my ass?"
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On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, " Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put tail-light on that
bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a bicycle safety violation
ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way,
that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath
The horse, instead of on top."
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George, Bob and Fred are working on a very high scaffolding. suddenly, George falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance
leaves with George's body, Bob and Fred realize they'll have to inform
his wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to
do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell
her?" asks Fred.
"Yep", replies Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me."
"WHAT??" exclaims Fred, "you just told her, her husband died and she gave
you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"WHY?" asks Fred.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you
George's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a
widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
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Warning- A Goaner
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the
kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese
Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the
kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews
in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no
Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange
Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but no Chinese Jews!"
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