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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Tomato who wrote (7933)	12/1/1998 1:22:00 PM
From: Bryan Steffen	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62550

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!" At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

To: Tomato who wrote (7933)	12/1/1998 5:02:00 PM
From: SJS	Respond to of 62550

Bill Gates builds a house... ______________________________ While the Gates' are moving in from their temporary quarters nearby, final construction of their new house is not expected to be completed until the end of the year. Now if I were a contractor with a sense of humor... Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss." > > Contractor: "Ah, let me check our records. Yes... I see your account. You just have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay? Shoot. What's first." > > Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated." > > Contractor: "Yeah. You could look at it that way, but as you know, some compromises were made to have it out by your release date." > > Bill: "But we won't be able to fit all our furniture in there." > > Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room which will takes months to build...... or you can use a Living room stacker." > > Bill: "Living room stacker?" > > Contractor: "Yeah, it's cool. Picture this. We create a second virtual room, no walls of course. We allow you to fit twice as much furniture into the first room. By stacking it, you won't have to put the entertainment center on the couch... or the chairs on the table... etc. You can leave an empty spot in the second virtual room, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done." > > Bill: "Great. What a deal! That will work for me. Save me a bunch of dough, too. But here's another problem. It's the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way." > > Contractor: "Oh! Thats easy, too. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade all the bulbs to new bulbs." > > Bill: " Great. That fine, and it's only a little bit of money for some new bulbs. So...what about the electrical outlets? The normal outlets have vertical slots, not 3 rectangular ones. How do I fix that?" > > Contractor: "That's the new power PLUS+ option you ordered. We'll just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system." > > Bill: "You're kidding? The electrical system in an integral part of the house. Come on....there must be an easier way." > > Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way." > > Bill: "<sigh> Well...I've heard it all now.... This is no panacea. I have one last problem that must be fixed ASAP. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will try to flush the toilet and the action halts abruptly. The LCD panels in the toilet says: "Halting for your General Protection". It seems that something's going on in the system because the water pressure drops so low in other areas of the house that now the showers or sink faucets don't work." > > Contractor: "We've seen that before. If you run the special tracing program, Dr. Plumbing, you'll find that under certain circumstances, a resource leakage problem exists in the plumbing system. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures." > > Bill: "What? Where can I get this Dr. Plumbling program an how do I fix that?" > > Contractor: "You can get Dr. Plumbing from our website. It's free and well even give you a cookie for your trouble. What you also must do is this: After each flush, everyone needs to stop what they're doing and exit the house. 1 person must then go and turn off the water at the street and then turn it back on. Then everyone can re-enter the house and then you can get back to work." > > Bill: "Thats the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?" > > Contractor: "Hey, it's the finest design and what all the people we've asked tell us they want. If you don't like it nobody is making you buy it." > > Bill: "But I have to live somewhere. And when will this all be fixed?" > > Contractor: "Oh, if you purchased a next-house option with free upgrade, we can possibly get the fixes into that version. We think this will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays... Just be patient."

To: Tomato who wrote (7933)	12/2/1998 10:56:00 AM
From: SIer formerly known as Joe B.	Respond to of 62550

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."