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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Frederick Meacoe who wrote (7986)	12/4/1998 2:57:00 PM
From: Tomato	Respond to of 62550

> Santa's Really Bitter > > 'Twas the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed > He cussed out the elves and threw down his list > Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks > I have good mind to scrap the whole works > > I've busted my ass for damn near a year > Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear > The old lady bitches cause I work late at night > The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight > > Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids > Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS > And just when I thought that things would get better > Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter > > They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny > Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money > And the kids these days - they all are the pits > They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits > > I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds > Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads > I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them > They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM! > > If you think that's bad...just picture this > Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss > They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard > And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird > > Flying through the air...dodging the trees > Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees > I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment > I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment > There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason > I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!

To: Frederick Meacoe who wrote (7986)	12/4/1998 5:16:00 PM
From: primepower	Respond to of 62550

This was better with two Arabs and a Jew.

To: Frederick Meacoe who wrote (7986)	12/5/1998 5:26:00 PM
From: howard a steady	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62550

One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali. Last week the competition went like this: Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game? Brian: Yeah, sure. Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex? Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning. Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian? Brian: Orrrrr .... about 10 minutes. Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate? Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that. Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian! Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table. Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife? Brian: Yeah, alright. Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you? Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks. Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello. Sharelle: Hi Brian. Brian: Hi Sharelle. Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali. Brian: Just tell the truth Honey. Sharelle: O.K. Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex? Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio. Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them. Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8: 00 this morning before Brian went to work. Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle? Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes. Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman. Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it? Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listing. No way, no. Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here. Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway... just tell em. Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the asse! Radio Silence ....

To: Frederick Meacoe who wrote (7986)	12/7/1998 3:40:00 PM
From: Frederick Meacoe	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62550

List of Abbreviations in the "WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds CODE WORD MEANS 40-ish 48 Adventurer Has had more partners than you ever will Affectionate Possessive Artist Unreliable Athletic Flat-chested Average looking Ugly Beautiful Pathological liar Commitment-minded Pick out curtains, now! Communication important Just tries to get a word in edge-wise Contagious Smile Bring your penicillin Educated College dropout Emotionally Secure Medicated Employed Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home Enjoys art and opera Snob Enjoys Nature Bring your own granola Exotic Beauty Would frighten a Martian Feminist Fat; ball buster Financially Secure One paycheck from the street Free spirit Substance user Friendship first Trying to live down reputation as slut Fun Annoying Gentle Comatose Good Listener Borderline Autistic Humorous Caustic Intuitive Your opinion doesn't count In Transition Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills Light drinker Lush Looks younger If viewed from far away in bad light Loves Travel If you're paying Loves Animals Cat lady Mature Won't let you treat her like farm animal in bed New-Age All body hair, all the time Non-traditional ex-husband lives in the basement Old-fashioned Lights out, missionary position only Open-minded Desperate Outgoing Loud Passionate Loud Petite Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins Poet Depressive Schizophrenic Professional Bitch Redhead Shops the Clairol section Reliable Frumpy Reubenesque Grossly Fat Romantic Looks better by candle light Self-employed Jobless Smart Insipid Special Rode the short school bus Spiritual Involved with a cult Stable Boring Tall, thin Anorexic Tan Wrinkled Voluptuous Very Fat Weight proportional to height Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate One step away from stalking Widow Nagged first husband to death Writer Pompous Young at heart Toothless crone Abbreviations in the "MEN SEEKING WOMEN" Classifieds CODE WORD MEANS 40-ish 52 and looking for 25-year-old Affectionate Needy and looking for mother-figure Artist Delicate ego badly in need of massage Athletic Sits on the couch and watches ESPN Average looking Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back Distinguished-looking Fat, gray, and bald Educated Will always treat you like an idiot Employed On management track at Radio Shack Financially Secure I will spend some money on you, in return for which I will expect you to obey my every whim for the duration of your mortal life. Free Spirit Sleeps with your sister Friendship first As long as friendship involves nudity Fun Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking Arrogant bastard Honest Pathological Liar Huggable Overweight, more body hair than a bear Light drinker Headed for AA Likes to cuddle Insecure, overly dependent Likes romantic walks on the beach I read Cosmo & think this is what you want to hear Mature Until you get to know him Open-minded Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested Physically fit I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself Poet Has written on a bathroom stall Professional Owns a white button-down shirt Reliable Shows up on time-give or take 3 hours Self-employed Same as for women, and eat nachos all weekend Sensitive Needy Smart Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever" Spiritual Once went to church with his grandmother at Xmas Stable Occasional stalker, but never arrested Thoughtful Says "Please" when demanding a beer Virile Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out Wanted: slim, attractive female Would be better off with a Labrador retriever Young at heart Pedophile