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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: telephonics who wrote (8018)	12/9/1998 8:39:00 AM
From: george wood	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62549

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

To: telephonics who wrote (8018)	12/9/1998 10:32:00 PM
From: george wood	Respond to of 62549

CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE --- "You Are Different and That's Bad" "Dad's New Wife Timothy" "Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games" "Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets" "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad" "Babar Meets the Taxidermist" "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence" "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables" "Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse" "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy" "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will" "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead" "How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School" "Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

To: telephonics who wrote (8018)	12/9/1998 10:57:00 PM
From: george wood	Respond to of 62549

Dad - Son, come in here, we need to talk. Son - What's up, Dad? D - There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it? S - I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car" that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car. D - Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch? S - Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it. D - But your sister has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car and drive away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car? S - Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car. D - Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the mailbox? S - Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent. D - So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox? S - No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car. D - But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact? S - Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way. D - So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car? S - No. No, that's not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch the car?". >From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No" when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information. D - Where did you learn to be such a wise guy? S - From The President of the United States.

To: telephonics who wrote (8018)	12/9/1998 11:00:00 PM
From: george wood	Respond to of 62549

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to lick them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

To: telephonics who wrote (8018)	12/10/1998 12:42:00 AM
From: Thomas Scharf	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

re:unsolicited cold phone calls, as a life-long bachelor, I am always amused when I get calls from phone solicitors asking to speak to my non-existent wife. The conversation goes something like this: PHONE SOLICITOR: May I speak to Mrs. Scharf? ME(in a "hurt" sounding voice, as near to tears as I can manage): Are you a friend of hers? I'm sorry to tell you that she passed away day before yesterday. I just now got back from the funeral. PHONE SOLICITOR: Oh...sorry(hangs up)