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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (8118)	12/17/1998 9:43:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 62549

A couple in their 70's goes to a doctor to see if there is any medical reason for the decreased sex drive that has kept them celibate for the last few years. After several tests, the physician tells them that everything is perfectly normal. He tells them that people their age typically just get bored and need to think of some creative ways of adding some spice to their sex life. On her next visit to the mall, the wife goes into Victoria's Secret, and buys a pair of crotchless panties. She puts them on when she gets home and waits in the bedroom for her husband to arrive. When the husband comes into the bedroom, she points at herself and says "You want some of this?" His reply: "No way! Look what it did to those panties." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Harvey replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"? "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman. Naturally I replied, "Big tits." He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship." So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits." "No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?" He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. "Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A preacher's wife decided to make her husband a special birthday dinner so she went to the butcher's looking over the finest cuts of meat. Finally, uncertain, she asked the butcher what he would recommend for such a special occasion. "This, Damme Ham," the butcher began, "is the finest we have..." "Mr. butcher!" The preacher's wife exclaimed in shock. "I am a minister's wife of twenty years and there has been no one to speak such words to me in all that time!" "No, no, no!" The butcher said. "You misunderstand me. Damme is the fine companies name. We're promoting their hams and trying to get their names known." "Oh!" Laughed the preacher's wife, "I see. What a relief!" She sighed. So she bought the Damme Ham and took it home and prepared it. The preacher came in that evening and said, "My dear! What is that heavenly fragrance? It smells delicious!" "I certainly hope so, it's the Damme Ham and it's nearly finished!" She answered with joy. "Have you lost your mind?!" The preacher exclaimed in shock. "You've been a preacher's wife all these years and now take to common vulgarities?!" "No, no, no!" She explained, "Damme is the name of the ham, it's the brand name." Relieved that his wife was not cursing he sat down with his family to partake of the Damm Ham. "Son, in honor of this fine meal your mother and God has placed before us would you say grace?" The boy did so and everyone began to prepare their plates. "Son," began the preacher "pass your father some of that Damme Ham, please." The son replied, "Way to go pops! Pass me a fuckin' biscuit!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ And Moses looked upon the lord and said: "We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off our WHAT?!"