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Pastimes : Laughter is the Best Medicine - Tell us a joke -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: ccportfolio who wrote (8157)	12/21/1998 8:16:00 PM
From: Ian@SI	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 62551

some old, some new but all good... +++++++++++++ A true story: A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite." Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on. A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'" A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, "It's been returned twice already, and I don't want to see it again." Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow into the depths. The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, "Look, I told you there would be no returns." The man quickly replied, " Oh no, that's fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer." A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows: Sautéed Tourist $10 Braised Reporter $12 Fried Diplomat $15 Barbecued Lawyer $110 A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much. The headhunter replied, "if you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand." Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman pinscher. Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him. Q:What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? A:You cry when you cut up an onion. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement? A: Not enough cement. A true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury duty: I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do." There was the time the judge was asked to contribute 10 bucks to a lawyer's funeral. "Here's a hundred," he said. "Bury 10 of 'em."