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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (1134)	1/11/1999 1:38:00 AM
From: Hart	Respond to of 2733

Ok. This HAM SANDWICH walks into the bar and says.. "Barkeeper .. Give me a scotch and soda".. Well, the Bartender suddenly was furious!! He hopped over the bar, grabbed the ham sandwich by his shirt, and tosses out into the street quite forcibly. Giving him one last kick as he points to the sign on the wall ... he says... "WE DON'T SERVE FOOD HERE"

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (1134)	1/11/1999 1:55:00 AM
From: Hart	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

A quick test Don't cheat! Read this sentence: FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE- SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF- IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS. Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Count them ONLY ONCE: How many F's did you get? do not go back and count them again. Answer: <DO NOT SCROLL DOWN PAST HERE UNTIL READY>...... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . There are six F's in the sentence. One of average intelligence finds three of them. If you spotted four, you're above average. If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius. There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"'s. The human brain tends to see them as V's and not F's.

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (1134)	1/11/1999 2:32:00 AM
From: Hart	Respond to of 2733

A few more before I head off to sleep... Thanks for the laffs :) ================ Two lesbians walk into a whore-house, and they go up to the pimp. The one lesbian goes, "We want the youngest girl you got!" So the pimp looks at them for a second and says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers!" ================ (Q)Why does the Law Society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? (A) To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. ================ (Q)What's the last thing JESUS said to the "Natives" just after the Last Supper? (A)"...Wait here - Don't do anything until I get back.." ================ A golfer is showing off while trying to teach his wife how to golf. Suddenly, he shot hooks off the course over the trees, bounces on the cement road, then ~SmAsh~ right through someone's front window! Quite embarrassed, he and his wife walk over to the house and peek in.. it's a mess. It appears the ball went through the window, hit the wall, smashed a vase on the coffee table, and broke several picture glasses during its travel. The door is open, so they walk in to apologize to the owner. The see this strange clothed, unshaven man lying on the floor holding his hand on his forehead - perhaps where the ball might have hit him. "I'm soooo sorry" the golfer said .. "I was showing off and didn't exactly pay attention to what i was doing.. I'll pay for damages, of course".. The man stood up and removed his hand, and there was no bump. "Please! Don't be sorry - I must thank you!! As, I am a genie, and have been locked up for 2 thousand years in that..well, what used to be that vase on the table that your ball has broken! And, for your reward I shall grant you one wish! The man was flabergasted! Could it be?? ah, what the heck!! "Alright, then - I wish to have $100 Million dollars in cashable bonds!" The genie looks at him, smiles and says... "Done! On January 1st of the following year, go to your safety deposit box at the bank and you shall receive a bag filled with cashable bonds.. Well, the wife is certainly impressed and says .. "I want one! I want a wish too!! Aren't you suppose to grant THREE wishes?".. The genie says, "Well - Only because you have saved me from a fate worst than death ... I will grant you another wish, but only one more" The wife closes her eyes and thinks..then opens them and says "I want to own a vacation home in every vacation place in the world! Free and clear of course!!" The genie looks at the woman, then at the man. "Oh boy, that is a big one.. Tell you what. I'll grant your second wish - it ~is~ a hard one you know - but, you have to grant me a wish in return. You see, I have been locked up in that tiny vase for two thousand years and well, have not having sex for 2 centuries, well - Mr... your wife is very gorgeous, If I grant her wish, will you allow me to sleep with your wife for 30 minutes? The man and woman look at each other and both agree. What the heck! A hundred million dollars, vacations homes around the world - what do they have to lose??!? "O.K." they replied.. Well, the genie grants the womans wish, and then they both go upstairs into the bedroom and have wild, passionate sex for 30 looong minutes.. Afterwards, they share a cigarette together, and the woman says... "This has really been something! I can't believe that a genie granted us two wishes, and we will be rich rich rich!"" The genie then replied... "I can't believe you two idiots still believe that genies exist".

To: Peter S. Maroulis who wrote (1134)	1/14/1999 9:11:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Read Replies (7) \| Respond to of 2733

One-liners for that special occasion 1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. 3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? 4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after. 6. Do I look like a fucking people person? 7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. 9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time. 11. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 12. You! Off my planet! 13. Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose. 14. A little ignorance can go a long way. 15. So you are better at sex than anybody. Now all you need is a partner. 16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. 17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way! 18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of tiny feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. 19. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 20. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat. 21. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 23. God was my copilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to eat him. 24. Let me show you how the guards used to do it. 25. And just how may I fuck you over today? 26. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. 28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil... 29. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 30. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 31. Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth. 32. Allow me to introduce my selves. 33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 34. Whisper my favourite words: "I'll buy it for you." 35. Better living through denial. 36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them. 38. Adult child of alien invaders. 39. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up. 41. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. 42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 44. Sure it's user-friendly...if you know what you're doing. 45. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go? 46. Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum. 47. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs? 48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes? 49. Back off! You're standing in my aura. 50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. 51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too! 52. Can you out-think a doorknob? 53. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me. 54. How many times do I have to flush before you go away? 55. I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? 56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? 57. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me. 58. Vertically-fornicated mind. 59. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2? 61. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you! 62. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. 63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 64. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 65. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 66. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done. 67. A woman's favourite position is CEO. 68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 69. You look like shit. Is that the style now? 70. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth. 71. Earth is full. Go home. 72. Is it time for your medication or mine? 73. Does this condom make me look fat? 74. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me? 75. I plead contemporary insanity. 76. And which dwarf are you? 77. I refuse to star in your psychodrama. 78. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 79. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 80. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."