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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Karin who wrote (1199)	1/22/1999 12:33:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

When my prayers were poorly said; who tucked me in me widdle bed and spanked me butt til it was red? .....Me Mudder! In the morning, when the lights would come and in me crib me dribbled some; who wiped me widdle tiny bun? .....Me Mudder! Who took me from me cozy cot and placed me on me ice cold pot and made me pee-pee when me could not? .....Me Mudder! Who's hair so gently she would part and hold me tightly to her heart and sometimes squeeze me until I'd - fart? .....Me Mudder! Who looked at me with eyebrows drooped and screamed and yelled til she had the croup when in me Sunday pants I - pooped? .....Me Mudder! And at night when the bed did squeak and me raised me head to have a peek, who yelled at me to go to sleep? .....Me Fadder!!! author unknown ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\

To: Karin who wrote (1199)	1/22/1999 12:35:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

REDNECK FAMILY TREE Many, many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be, This widow had a daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mom. And it surely makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She is my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!!!

To: Karin who wrote (1199)	1/22/1999 2:46:00 PM
From: treetopflier	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

The Wedding Night A Chinese couple get married - and she's a virgin. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: My darring. I know dis yu firt time an you flighten...I promise you, I give you anything you want, I do anything you want. What you want?" I wanna numma 69" she replies. You wanna beef with bioccolli???

To: Karin who wrote (1199)	1/22/1999 6:38:00 PM
From: John Messbauer	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships. "Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly. "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled the therapist. So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon. When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"