Yesterday was one of those days...
If you know what I mean, jump to the story at the end of this.
Jack
To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC)
From: Scott Adams
Date: December 1998
Highlights:
------------------------------------------------
- Chain letter responses
- Dogbert Answers My Mail
- True Tales Of Induhviduals
- Holiday Story
------------------------------------------------
DNRC Status
----------------
The DNRC now boasts over one billion members. I can say this because
history books are written by the winners. After Dogbert conquers the
world, all DNRC members will be winners. I plan to take credit for
inventing gunpowder and algebra. Look for the sign-up sheet.
DNRC Time Management Tip
-----------------------------------
I know you're all busy this time of year. That's why I bring you this DNRC
Time Management Tip:
When your manager gives you a folder full of
assignments, try throwing it away.
Chain Letters
----------------
Lately I've received many e-mail "chain letters" from Induhviduals who
believe they will get sick or die if the chain is broken. I have this
image of an Induhvidual lighting up a cigarette, eating his bacon and
meatloaf sandwich, and forwarding the chain letter in order to reduce his
risk of illness.
To end the plague of chain e-mail, I recommend that all DNRC members
respond to chain e-mail with the message below. Eventually all of the
offenders will die from psychosomatic illnesses.
Chain Letter Response: "I recently received your chain letter. Over 1,000
people have sent me chain letters, and every one of them has died within
six months, probably from the "Chain Letter Sender's Curse." You will
probably die soon if you experience any of the following symptoms: 1)
Tiredness at bedtime, 2) Hunger just before lunch, 3) Inability to
remember your license plate number, or 4) Stupidity."
Dogbert Answers My Mail
--------------------------------
In this section, Dogbert answers the mail that I'm too polite to answer
myself. These are all based on real letters, edited for readability. The
names have been changed to make them more amusing.
Dear Mr. Adams,
I am writing to you with utmost urgency from Lagos, Nigeria. This is an
investment opportunity that you will not want to miss. Ten million dollars
in gold bullion has been discovered in a bank account in my family's name.
But due to our current cash flow situation, we cannot afford the outrageous
bank processing and legal fees to take possession of this gold which is
rightfully ours. I am proposing that your kind self wire me $10,000 U.S.
to cover these fees, and in return you will receive one million dollars
wired to your account after we take possession of the gold. Please
respond. Time is of the essence.
Swinhar
Dear Swindler,
Mr. Adams doesn't know much about Nigeria, but everything he has heard
would lead him to believe that your offer is an excellent investment
opportunity with no downside risk whatsoever. Unfortunately, all of Mr.
Adams' money is already tied up in the Nigerian court system and he does
not have the cash to pay his attorneys to get it back. I propose that you
wire Mr. Adams whatever money you do have, then he will free his money for
your use. He will also send you a free toaster for doing business with
him. It's a win-win scenario.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
---
Dear Mr. Adams,
I am starting a webzine called Gnatzass and need your help. Although we
have no subscribers yet, my plan is this: If we get only 10% of the total
Internet traffic our first year, that would be great. That's where you
come in. I'd like to do an interview with you for the zine. Please answer
this one question by Tuesday, in 1500 words. The question is: "Who are
all the Internet companies and what's good and bad about each one?" I hope
this is not an imposition.
Brendan
Dear Braindead,
Mr. Adams is never too busy to help a stranger in a hopeless cause. He'll
get right on it. Mr. Adams also asked me to pass along an out-of-the-box
strategy for your webzine. It's a vast improvement on your current
strategy and it goes like this: What if you get only 20% of the total
Internet traffic in your first year, wouldn't that be much greater than
10%? If you have a financial advisor, you might want to run that
calculation past him just to be safe.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
---
Dear Mr. Adams,
I'm from the Philippines. I e-mail you because I need your help. I am a
college student and I have to do a report of your book The Dilbert Future
and I need the summary of your book ... please send me immediately... at
least five pages... thank you very much... hope you'll help me...
Luzon
Dear Luzer,
Mr. Adams will start work on your assignment immediately. While you're
waiting, you might want to hedge your bets by learning a skill that does
not depend on a college degree. I understand you are from the Philippines,
where there are many coconuts. I recommend drilling three holes in each
coconut and selling them to morons as bowling balls. If you don't know
where to find any customers who can't tell the difference between a coconut
and a bowling ball, I recommend selling them to yourself. If that doesn't
provide enough money for you to live comfortably, try doubling the price.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
---
Dear Mr. Adams,
E-mail me about this, okay -- how do you come up with these comics?
Lydia
Dear Lydiot,
Creativity is a mysterious process involving large blocks of aged cheese, a
table fan, and a balloon filled with M&Ms. Used properly, these items,
plus a little bit of luck, can produce award-winning comics.
Some people think the brain is involved in cartooning, but I have known Mr.
Adams for many years and I can assure you it is not.
Sincerely,
Dogbert
---
Dilbert In Service To Humanity
--------------------------------------
This report just in from the field:
"I am taking a senior-level MIS course. Our professor (who has almost no
work experience) gave us an assignment of coming up with a vision statement
for our school's information systems organization. A friend of mine, not
wanting to spend the hours that I and other students spent fabricating a
bogus statement, enlisted the aid of the Dilbert Zone (www.dilbert.com) and
the Mission Statement Generator that generates nonsense Mission Statements.
The next day, the professor put my friend's vision statement up on the
overhead projector and presented it as an exemplary piece of work."
True Tales Of Induhviduals
--------------------------------
Induhviduals continue to pursue their destiny of providing cheap
entertainment for the rest of us. Here are some more allegedly true
reports from DNRC operatives in the field.
Tale 1
The manager of the IT department wrote that he needed some information
regarding what he called the "Y2000K compliancy problem."
He's really thinking ahead.
Tale 2
I went to get a soda and noticed a woman trying unsuccessfully to get the
soda machine to accept her dollar bill. She asked for assistance. I
helpfully pushed the Coke button, one popped out, I grabbed it and started
walking away. Now cleared of the "problem," the machine accepted her
dollar. Her reply: "Thank you."
Tale 3
One day while leaving work I saw the security guard for our building,
looking confused, standing in the parking lot. I asked what the problem
was, and she replied that her car was missing. Suddenly she recalled that
earlier in the day she had ordered a car towed from the reserved parking
area.
It was her car.
Tale 4
This one comes to us from an Australian operative:
At the start of English class one morning a girl complained she did not
have a chair to sit on. Our teacher told her to wait a moment while she
went to the room next door to check if they had any spares. She left by
the door at the front of our classroom and entered a moment later through
the door at the rear of our class. Unaware that she had reentered the same
room, she said, "Do you have any extra chairs?"
"No," someone replied.
"Okay," she said, and left.
She reentered the door in the front of the room and said, "I'm sorry, they
don't have any chairs. You will just have to kneel."
To this day she is unaware what the laughter was for.
Truth In Signs
------------------
A DNRC operative reports seeing this sign in front of a local convenience
store:
"Good People Wanted and Managers too!"
---
I saw this sign at the Blackhawk Cinema:
"Children under 16 must watch R-rated movies
with a parent. No exceptions."
This made me wonder about the unfortunate kids who don't want to watch any
R-rated movies at all. Are they forced to do it?
Correction
------------
In the last newsletter I taught you how to use Induhviduals for traction if
your car gets stuck in the snow. A DNRC member wrote to say this was wrong
of me.
The wrong part is that I told you to trick Induhviduals into making contact
with the "rear wheels" and then flooring the gas pedal. I should have said
"drive wheels" not "rear wheels" to account for front-wheel drive cars.
My Acting Career
---------------------
Depending where you live, you might be seeing me in the new
barnesandnoble.com TV commercials. I play the role of a Dilbert cartoonist
with too much makeup and no acting skill whatsoever. Several other authors
play themselves in the other commercials in the series.
The blonde actor who talks to me in my episode is holding my new hardcover
book, The Joy Of Work. You have to stand up and look at the TV from an
angle to see the title on the book. You can't see it from your couch.
(Note: Dilbert books are easy to wrap and they make lovely gifts.)
Dilbert TV Show Update
------------------------------
The launch date is set: Jan 25, 1999 at 8 PM. That's when you'll see the
animated pilot episode of "Dilbert" on UPN. If you live in the United
States, and you can get the UPN network, be sure to tune in. I don't have
any information about future availability outside the U.S., but I can
assure you we are bent on total global domination. Please be patient.
Dilbert Web Site Upgrade
-------------------------------
We're upgrading The Dilbert Zone web site to make the best parts easier to
find, and to make the colors less obvious from a distance, in case you're
at work. Look for these changes in the New Year, at dilbert.com.
The redesigned Dilbert Store is available now
(http://www.umstore.com/dilbert/). There are many new items, including the
Dilbert M&M's candy dispenser, and you can get free items when you spend
$50 or more.
Advantages of DNRC Membership
-----------------------------------------
These two messages prove there are immediate and tangible advantages to
DNRC membership. You don't have to wait for Dogbert's conquest of
civilization to start reaping benefits.
Advantage 1 -- Better Jobs:
"I work in a high-tech recruiting firm, and today was the first time I saw
a resume come across my desk that proclaimed "DNRC Member" as one of the
qualifications! Straight to the top of the stack!
This ought to be standard practice, so we can all make sure that we fill
our places of employment with fellow DNRC members."
Advantage 2 -- Better Grades:
(Note: some naughty words have been redacted)
"Dilbert saved my (redacted) once in college. I was habitually absent from
a political science class last year, and if it wasn't for Dilbert I would
have had NO CLUE as to what words like paradigm meant! Needless to say I
bull(redacted) my way to a C on the midterm exam, all thanks to Dilbert and
his animal buddies! Thanks for a (redacted)load of laughs, keep 'em coming!"
Holiday Story
-----------------
In the tradition of the Dilbert Newsletter, I include my holiday story with
no attempt at humor.
Between the ages of twelve and fifteen I earned money by shoveling snow
during the frigid winter months in Windham, New York. My best customers
were a retired Greek couple -- Mr. and Mrs. Amanatides -- who lived half a
mile from my house. The standing agreement was that on any morning after a
snowfall I would arrive at their house at 6 a.m. and shovel the sidewalk
prior to Mr. Amanatides' morning walk to town.
This was no small task for a 95-pound kid. It was challenge enough to
reach their house through the snow. Usually the roads weren't plowed yet,
so I'd take the back way, often crawling through waist-high snowdrifts.
I'd be exhausted before the shoveling even began.
As sidewalks go, this was a big job. The Amanatides' walkway went around
the entire perimeter of the house and included a patio area and several
sets of steps. I was instructed to shovel four inches past the edge of the
sidewalk on each side to allow for proper drainage when the snow melted. I
had to shovel like a crazed beaver to finish in time for school. After
school, I would return and do the driveway.
It was hard work, but it paid embarrassingly well. At a time when five
dollars would have been fair pay for an hour of work, Mr. Amanatides
volunteered twenty. I was so uncomfortable with that amount that one day I
decided to convince him to pay me less. I didn't mind the hard work, but I
couldn't bear taking so much money from this nice man.
Normally we didn't talk much. I was always in a hurry and he was a man of
few words. Maybe that's why I remember the conversation so well.
After the shoveling was done, I tried my reverse-negotiating technique. I
insisted he pay me less from now on. Mr. Amanatides did a quick read on
the situation and told me to put my shovel down and listen. He explained
his thinking in simple terms, distilled from seventy years of living. When
he was done, I thanked him for the money and never brought up the topic
again.
Mr. Amanatides passed away some years ago. He didn't get to see that his
overpaid snow-shoveler turned out okay. Although he's gone physically, he
bought a bit of immortality that cold winter morning, when he looked at the
skinny kid from Windham and told him something that many people never hear
in their lives. He said, in his thick Greek accent, "You're worth it."
This holiday season, make yourself immortal. Let someone know how much
they're worth. You'll be surprised how long they remember it.
Thanks to all of you for making this a great year for me. Have a great
holiday and a great 1999.
Scott Adams
|
