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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Mad2 who wrote (1273)	1/30/1999 11:34:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Subject: How do you like your Oreo's? Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreo's: 1. The whole thing all at once. 2. One bite at a time 3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards. 4. In little feverous nibbles. 5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...). 6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie. 7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie. 8. Just the cookie, not the inside. 9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. 10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreo. Your Personality: 1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children. 2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreo's this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's ok, not to worry, you're normal. 3. Slow and Methodical. You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit. 4. Feverous Nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break downs and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good. 5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction. 6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior. 7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours. 8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain. 9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help immediately. 10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you.

To: Mad2 who wrote (1273)	1/30/1999 11:39:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Subject: The Frog A man goes to see the doctor because he's a little too well endowed; in fact, his appendage is 25 inches long and, worse yet, he can't interest any women in having sex with him. The doctor says there's nothing that he can do medically,but he sends the man to see a witch that the doctor thinks might be able to help him. The witch takes one look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to the frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and EACH time the frog says, 'No', your appendage will be FIVE inches shorter." "It's worth a try", the man says, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he blurts out to the frog. The frog looks at him apathetically and croaks back, "No." The man looks down, and sure enough, his appendage is now FIVE (5) inches shorter. This is great, he thinks; I'll try it again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog again. The frog rolls his eyes up in disgust and shouts back "No!" a second time -- Twitch! The guy's now down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks to himself -- "Down another 5 inches would be perfect!" So he calls across the pond again, "Will you marry me?" The frog yells back, "Look! - How many times do I have to tell you? No. No. No!"

To: Mad2 who wrote (1273)	1/30/1999 11:43:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replies, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

To: Mad2 who wrote (1273)	1/30/1999 11:45:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

>Always give 100% at work....... > >12% on Monday >23% on Tuesday >40% on Wednesday >20% on Thursday >5% on Fridays > >And remember ....... > >When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off. > >Now get back to work!

To: Mad2 who wrote (1273)	1/30/1999 11:50:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (6) \| Respond to of 2733

BEWARE!! of the following VIRUSES >> ~Ellen Degeneres Virus~ >> Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC. >> ~Monica Lewinsky Virus~ >> Sucks all the memory out of your computer. >> ~Titanic Virus~ >> Makes your whole computer go down. >> ~Disney Virus~ >> Everything in the computer goes Goofy. >> ~Mike Tyson Virus~ >> Quits after one byte. >> ~Prozac Virus~ >> Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. >> ~Lorena Bobbit Virus~ >> Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy. >> ~Woody Allen Virus~ >> Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card. >> ~Joey Buttafuoco Virus~ >> Only attacks minor files. >> ~Spice Girl Virus~ >> Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop. >> ~Ronald Reagan Virus~ >> Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored. >> ~Dr. Kevorkian Virus~ >> Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them. >> ~Oprah Winfrey Virus~ >> Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly >> expands to 300MB. >> ~AT&T Virus~ >> Every 3 minutes it tells you what a great service you are >> getting. >> ~MCI Virus~ >> Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for >> the AT&T Virus. >> ~Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus~ >> Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. >> ~Viagra Virus~ >> Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your >> zip drive.