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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Karin who wrote (1305)	2/4/1999 2:05:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

To: Karin who wrote (1305)	2/4/1999 2:08:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell his story. Little Joey raises his hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Joey replies: "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Heather. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched" ...teacher asks Heather for the moral of the story... Heather replied, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched". Last is little Johnny ... "My Aunt Debbie fought in the Desert Storm war. Her plane was shot down over enemy territory - she jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down she drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, she lands in the middle of 100 Iraqian soldiers. She shot 70 with her machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so she pulled out her machete and killed 20 more. The blade on her machete broke, so she killed the last ten with her bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story... Johnny replies, "Yeah, don't mess with Aunt Debbie when she's been drinking."

To: Karin who wrote (1305)	2/4/1999 7:42:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

The Italian says, "When I've a finsheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy". The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy". The Aussie says, "Strewth, mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin my gal, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me dick on the curtains. She hits the fucking roof !!!"

To: Karin who wrote (1305)	2/4/1999 7:46:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Subject: Rejected Hallmark Greetings: 1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. 2. My tire was thumping.... I thought it was flat.... when I looked at the tire.... I noticed your cat... Sorry 3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. 4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. 5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. 6. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it .... She moved in with me 7. Your computer is dead... it was once so alive.... Do you regret installing Win 95? 8. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry?

To: Karin who wrote (1305)	2/5/1999 10:25:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles such as: 13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. 11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in. 10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to "thay shings like thish." 9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. 8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. 7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). 6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. 5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really big guy named Bubba. 4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that people are laughing with you. 2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time- space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. 1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

To: Karin who wrote (1305)	2/5/1999 11:53:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10, so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys???" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!

To: Karin who wrote (1305)	2/6/1999 12:06:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

The Tonsils~ Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first kid leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?" The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!" The second kid then asked, "Well, what are you in here for now?" The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision." The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

To: Karin who wrote (1305)	2/6/1999 12:11:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 2733

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF ...BABES A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were 2 boy kittens & 2 girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom." ------------------------------------------------------- Another three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom,I KNOW they're my feet." ------------------------------------------------------- On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?" ------------------------------------------------------- A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal." ------------------------------------------------------- Can people predict the future with cards? My mother can. Really? Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home. ------------------------------------------------------- A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?" ------------------------------------------------------- A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer. She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN" ------------------------------------------------------- Where's the English Channel? I don't know our television doesn't pick it up.