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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Barney who wrote (1313)	2/6/1999 12:24:00 AM
From: Sailor	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

True funny... Lady friend and 5 yr old son was over for dinner. Lady and I were fixing dinner while son was in back yard playing with my horny springer spaniel...shortly later 5yr old was screaming..5yr old on ground, springer on top humping ...kicked dog off and told crying child that the dog was not trying to hurt him, etc....Child then replied "Did he think I was a girl dog?"

To: Barney who wrote (1313)	2/6/1999 12:33:00 AM
From: Karin	Respond to of 2733

The Deal A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist." Karin

To: Barney who wrote (1313)	2/7/1999 12:51:00 AM
From: Mad2	Respond to of 2733

The Converted Jew A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him. Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones: "Born a Jew Raised a Jew Now a Catholic." The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying: "Born a cow Raised a cow Now a fish." The New Hooker The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine". They asked "What did he want to do?". She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much. So I told him a blow job would be $75, but he didn't have that much either. Finally I said...well, how much do you have?" The marine said that he only had $25. The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job". He aggreed and after getting the finances straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first, and then the first hand above the second hand...." "Oh My God!" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge! What did you do then?" The new hooker replied "I loaned him $75"!