~~~~~~~~~
Muhammed Ali has been chosen for the 75th anniversary cereal box of
Wheaties. "In a related story, the Falcons' Eugene Robinson is gonna
be on a box of Trix." (Jay Leno)
~~~~~~~~~~
From: USA TODAY/Monday,February 8, 1999
Mariah Carey was one of the first celebrities to comment on the death of
the King of Jordan. Mariah told CNN, "I'm inconsolable at the present time.
I was a very good friend of Jordan, he was probably the greatest basketball
player this country has ever seen, we will never see his like again".
When told by reporters that it was King Hussein of Jordan who had died and
not Michael Jordan, Mariah was then led away by her security in a state of
"confusion."
~~~~~~~~~~
In August, the Scottish tribunal that regulates lawyers discliplined
Kenneth Anderson because he, being so "anxious to please his clients,"
routinely told them he had won their cases for them when he had not and in
several cases dipped into his own wallet to pay divorcees alimony judgments
he said they had won but which they had not. And in Clearwater, Fla., in
August, former organ salesman Jeffrey Snyder, who had pleaded guilty to
defrauding customers of Fletcher Music Co., was revealed by the prosecutor
to have been making $63,000 in monthly organ payments out of his own pocket
for some of his victims. Said Snyder, "I was just looking for a way to
keep the sales going and keep everybody ... happy."
~~~~~~~~~~
o It takes three minutes for a fresh mosquito bite to begin to itch.
o Among other things, the ancient Egyptians worshipped cabbages.
o The most consumed fruit in the United States is the coffee bean.
o It costs the Coca-Cola Company more to buy the can than it costs them to
make the cola.
o People who make less than $40,000 per year are more than twice as likely
to prefer their pizza cold.
o 60% of pets in Great Britain have some form of health insurance.
o The average wage of the workmen who dug the Erie canal: $1 and one quart
of whiskey per day.
o A human yell would take 3.5 hours to travel from New York to San
Francisco.
o Skywriting pilots say the letters "S" and "K" are the hardest to write.
o Most paranoids are male.
~~~~~~~~~~
An old man goes to the doctor to ask him an important question. "Doctor,
when I was in my 20s, it took both of my hands to push down my hard-on.
When I was in my 30s, it took one hand to push down my hard-on. When I was
in my 50s, it took three fingers to push down my hard-on. Now that I'm in
my 60s, it only takes one finger to push down my hard-on!
"So what I'm basically trying to ask you is: How strong am I going to get?"
~~~~~~~~~~
BULLETIN: Chrysler adds new car to its year 2000 line:
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.
~~~~~~~~~~
This week, the Journal of the American Medical Association (AMA)
published the findings of a large survey regarding sexual issues.
The survey was claimed to be "the largest in 50 years, since the
Kinsey report in 1948."
Not surprisingly, it found that many people suffer from at least
one sexual disorder. But here's a few findings that your local
news might have skipped:
Among the men who said that they don't
like to GIVE oral sex to a woman:
75% said that they "don't like fish."
15% said that it's "okay in theory" but
they were just "tired at the moment."
10% reported prior (negative) experiences
with runaway pubic hairs.
Among the men who said that they don't
like to GET oral sex from a woman:
10% said that they prefer to get it from a man.
90% misunderstood the question, and changed
their answer after seeing a demonstration.
When asked if he ever viewed pornographic materials
on his computer, one respondent said:
"Well,... if you don't count newsgroups, websites,
e-mail, chatrooms, IRC, FTP, gopher, AVI's, MPG's,
MOV's, JPG's, BMP's or GIF's,.... then NO!"
During the physical examinations, the survey concluded that:
Men with hairy backs DO have higher testosterone levels.
Bald men ARE hornier than normal.
Bald men with hairy backs are sexual dynamos!
Among the respondents that were rated as "sexually healthy:"
25% were high school students
65% were college students
10% were senior citizens
In the 1948 Kinsey Report, 4/5 of the respondents reported that
their first sexual experience was in the back seat of a car.
In the 1999 AMA Report, 4/5 of the respondents reported that
their first sexual experience was in the front seat of a car.
"You've come a long way, baby!"
Compilation of the survey's answers reaffirmed the
downward sloping "sex curve" which means that:
IF you're over 24 years old
OR you're married
OR you have children
AND you don't think that you had enough sex last year,
THEN Too Damn Bad!!! It get's worse!!!
~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do you get when you cross a yeast infection and an
achy breaky heart?
A. An itchy twitchy crotch.
~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What did the doctor say to the prostitute?
A. Stay out of bed for two days.
~~~~~~~~~~
Men are like a fine wine... They all start out like grapes,
and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the
dark until they mature into something you'd want to have
dinner with.
~~~~~~~~~~
<A HREF="http://www.bumperdumper.com/bumper2.htm">bumper dumper</A>
(click on this link)
~~~~~~~~~~
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the
midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see
her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and
nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was
black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business
and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also
tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money
and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I
do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and
I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a
little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to
the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that
it was going to bark."
~~~~~~~~~~
Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way possible? Here are some
ideas Mattel might consider for a past 40 Barbie:
Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in
six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of
Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet
red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held
fan and tiny tissues.
Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow!
Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
Cook's Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,
roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muu-muus are back!
Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.
Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely
taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this
pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink,
rose, blush.
No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a
tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive
age-blasting cosmetics.
Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off
as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken
Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with
doughnut holes and fruit punch.
Midlife Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and
Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with
Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley
to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's
shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across
town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off
her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit
included.
Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate
party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober,
she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book
and six-pack of Diet Coke.
Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House
to Nursing Home (both new and improved ¯ wheelchair-accessible and
retrofitted to conform to ADA code requirements), the possibilities (not
to mention the accessories) are endless.
~~~~~~~~~~
A few Steven Wrightisms
- I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
- I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble
breathing.
- My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, "If you could know how and when you
were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said,
"Okay, then forget it."
- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories ... |
