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Pastimes : Clinton Jokes! -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Barney who wrote (185)	2/15/1999 9:28:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 246

WARRANTY CARD ON PURCHASED GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL[tm] Dear Special Interest, Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine Government Official [tm]. With regular maintenance your Government Official[tm] should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence. 1. Which of our fine products did you buy? __ President __ Vice-President __ Senator __ Congressman __ Governor __ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce __ Cabinet Secretary - Other __ Other Elected Official (please specify) __ Other Appointed Official (please specify) 2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]? Please check all that apply. __ TV ad. __ Magazine/newspaper ad. __ Shared jail cell with. __ Former law partner of. __ Unindicted co-conspirator with. __ Arkansas crony of. __ Procured for. __ Related to. __ Recommended by lobbyist. __ Recommended by organized crime figure. __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.) __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.) __ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple. __ Solicited bribe from me. __ Attempted to seduce me. 3. How do you expect to use your Government Official[tm]? (Please check all that apply.) __ Obtain lucrative government contracts. __ Have my prejudices turned into law. __ Obtain diplomatic concessions. __ Obtain trade concessions. __ Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally. __ Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels. __ Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress. __ Forestall military action against self/allies. __ Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest. __ Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse. __ Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse. __ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups. __ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental exploiters/capitalist pigs. 4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply.) __ Performance of currently owned model. __ Reputation. __ Price. __ Appearance. __ Party affiliation. __ Professed beliefs of Government Official[tm]. __ Actual beliefs of Government Official[tm]. __ Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government. __ Blackmail. __ Celebrity endorsement. 5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government Official[tm]? ______ If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models. __ Excessive operating / maintenance costs. __ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model. __ Defect in current model: __ Dead. __ Senile. __ Indicted. __ Convicted. __ Resigned in disgrace. __ Switched parties / beliefs. __ Outbribed by competing interest. Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a Government Official[tm] you have chosen the best politician that money can buy. ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\

To: Barney who wrote (185)	2/15/1999 9:34:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 246

The Cintons took a break and went to Camp David for 10 days. While away, Janet Reno offered to care for the First Parrot named Polly Bird. The pet parrot is not public knowledge because it has a fowl mouth. (Yes, that pun was certainly intended). Janet got irked with it for making fun of her, and accidentially killed it in a fit of childish anger. Worried at what she had done, she went to buy another parrot. She search all of the DC metro area for another parrot that looked like the first one. After two days, she finally found a dead ringer that wasn't dead. Unfortunately, the pet store owner ran a brothel upstairs and would let the parrot sit on the shoulder of the bouncer when he greeted his guests each night. Undeterred (and facing a deadline) Janet paid a high price for the bird and returned to the White House. When Chelsea got back from Camp David, she said "Hi Polly" to the bird. The bird said, "Too Young. Too Young." Hillary came in and said, "Hello, Polly Bird" to the bird. It said, "Too old. Too old." Bill walked in and said, "Hi, Bird." The bird said, "Hi, Bill." ---------===========================================--------- __ __ ___ __ / // /_ ____ _ ___ ____ / _ )_______ ___ _/ /__ / _ / // / ' \/ _ \/ __/ / _ / __/ -_) _ '/ '_/ /_//_/\_,_/_/_/_/\___/_/ /____/_/ \__/\_,_/_/\_\