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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: P.S.N. who wrote (1442)	2/17/1999 10:02:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Subject: TAX TIME There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 & found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment & included this letter: Dear IRS: Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429 Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above-mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips head Screw. It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

To: P.S.N. who wrote (1442)	2/17/1999 10:04:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly." Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.

To: P.S.N. who wrote (1442)	2/17/1999 10:05:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (2) \| Respond to of 2733

Claimed to be from a small-town newspaper in Maine: Apparently, someone was driving along a country road when they happened to see a house with a carport open on all sides. Parked in the carport was a red sedan, and attached to the exhaust pipe of the sedan was a large diameter hose, like the kind you see on a Shop Vac. The hose led into the rear passenger window of the car. Fairly alarmed, but not willing to become personally involved, the person drove to the nearest pay phone and called 911 to report the car with the hose. Police and Fire EMT crews raced to the scene, where they found the car still running. To their astonishment, when they looked in the back of the car, they saw two very large lobsters lying on the back seat. The lobsters' claws and feet were bound, and the lobsters were still feebly waving their antennae. The emergency crews ran into the house through the door opening onto the carport, which led into the kitchen. There, they found the couple that owned the house. On the stove was a large pot of boiling water. On the sideboard was melted butter, lemon juice, mayonnaise, nutcrackers and meat picks. When questioned about the lobsters, the couple stated that they had always wanted to try fresh lobster, but that they couldn't stand the thought of plunging a living creature into boiling hot water. So, they decided to gas them first! When the emergency crews explained to the couple the reaction caused by the appearance of the hose leading from the exhaust pipe to the car window, the couple stated that henceforth they would only buy lobsters that were already dead.