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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: Mad2 who wrote (1548)	2/23/1999 10:50:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Mom's Know John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since you mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you? John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

To: Mad2 who wrote (1548)	2/23/1999 10:51:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Some actual maintenance complaints logged by Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P) = Problem (S) = Solution (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed. (P) DME volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to more believable level. (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200fpm descent. (S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground. (P) IFF inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. (S) That's what they're there for. (P) Number three engine missing. (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search. (P) Aircraft handles funny. (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious. (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire. (P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough. (S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft. (P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. (S) # 2 propeller seepage normal - # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage. (P) Something loose in cockpit. (S) Something tightened in cockpit. (P) Dead bugs on windshield. (S) Live bugs on order. (P) Target Radar hums. (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

To: Mad2 who wrote (1548)	2/23/1999 10:55:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father,I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment........ "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase...in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the Solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the fucking beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

To: Mad2 who wrote (1548)	2/23/1999 10:57:00 AM
From: Barney	Read Replies (1) \| Respond to of 2733

Three men were in a plane. An American man, a Mexican man, and a French man. When the three of them were flying over France, the French man said he loved his country, so he droped a pot of flowers on to it. When the three men were flying over Mexico, the mexican man said he loved his country too. So he dropped a pot of flowers on it. When they were flying over America, the American said he hated his country. So he dropped a granade on it. When the French man went back to his country, he saw a little girl crying. He said why are you crying. The little girl replied that a pot of flowers dropped on her head. When the Mexican man went back to his country, he saw a woman crying. He said Miss, why are you crying? The woman answed that a pot of flowers dropped on her head. When the American man went back to his country, he saw a man laughing so hard he was on the gorund. So he said, sir, why are you laughing? The man replied, I farted and my house blew up.

To: Mad2 who wrote (1548)	2/23/1999 10:58:00 AM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A ventriloquist cowboy took a walk in the country and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog. Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?" Rancher: "This dog don't talk!" Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it goin'?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Rancher: (Look of extreme shock) Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher) Dog: "Yep." Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Rancher: (Look of disbelief) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Rancher: "Horses don't talk!" Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin'?" Horse: "Cool." Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock) Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher) Horse: "Yep." Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Rancher: (Look of total amazement) Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Rancher: (Gesticulating wildly and hardly able to talk)......"Them sheep ain't nothin' but liars, every darned one of 'em!!!!

To: Mad2 who wrote (1548)	2/23/1999 1:02:00 PM
From: P.S.N.	Respond to of 2733

The Rescue" "A ladder was placed against the bedroom window of a burning house, and a young fireman rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see-through nightie. "Aha," said he, "You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!" "But I'm not pregnant," indignantly exclaimed the brunette. "You're not rescued yet either." PSN

To: Mad2 who wrote (1548)	2/23/1999 11:17:00 PM
From: treetopflier	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 2733

The Stock Show A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one!" The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow." ttf