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Pastimes : Jokes -- Ignore unavailable to you. Want to Upgrade?

To: P.S.N. who wrote (1615)	2/28/1999 10:10:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Whys: Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius. Why don't women have men's brains? Because they don't have penises to put them in. What do electric trains and breasts have in common? They are intended for children, but it is the men who end up playing with them. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock. Why do men masturbate? It's sex with someone they love. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they won't hump women's legs at a party. Why did God made men before women? You need a rough draft before the final copy. Why is men's pee yellow and his sperm white? So he can tell if he is coming or going. How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down? Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet!!

To: P.S.N. who wrote (1615)	2/28/1999 10:13:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Office Prayer Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, please help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

To: P.S.N. who wrote (1615)	2/28/1999 10:17:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, he hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and he doesn't, he should come to her house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. (ed. note: generally more detail in this part) Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asked, "Did he give you $100?" She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' Finally she says, "Yes, he did." "Good," Bill says,"he came by the office this morning and borrowed it from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

To: P.S.N. who wrote (1615)	2/28/1999 10:18:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

A man and a women were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary > > curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer bottles and $1874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?" The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." The woman was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad, considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the woman asked the man, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

To: P.S.N. who wrote (1615)	2/28/1999 10:19:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

When asked how she might have done things differently in her life, Erma Bombeck said: I would have talked less and listened more. I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded. I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace. I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth. I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed. I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage. I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains. I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life. I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband. I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day. I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime. Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle. When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner." There would have been more "I love yous".. more "I'm sorrys"... but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it... live it...and never give it back. --In memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer.

To: P.S.N. who wrote (1615)	2/28/1999 10:20:00 PM
From: Barney	Respond to of 2733

McGreggor is sitting at the bar musing to the young fellow sitting next to him. "See that stone wall out there Laddie", he asked, "Built it stone by stone with my own two hands, ... but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder?" "Feel this bar top. Planed it myself and finnished it. It's perfect right? ...do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? ... not a chance?" "Laddie, see that pier than runs out into the bay? I built it myself...every board. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder... no. Silence for a while and then McGreggor say to no one in particular, "But fuck just one goat..."

To: P.S.N. who wrote (1615)	2/28/1999 10:22:00 PM
From: Barney	Read Replies (3) \| Respond to of 2733

In case you weren't feeling old today, this will certainly change your thinking. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list: 1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980. 2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot. 3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. 4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression. 5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember two presidents. 6. They were 9 when the Berlin Wall fell 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War. 7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie. 8. They are too young to remember Challenger blowing up, and Tiananmen Square means nothing to them. 9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. 10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely do not know what it is. 11. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have almost always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull-top can looks like. 12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums. 13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" only means something to them if its been explained by their parents. 14. They have never owned a record player. 15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong. 16. Star Wars looks fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic. 17. There have always been red M&Ms, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones? 18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably never have actually seen or heard one. 19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old. 20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents. 21. They have always had an answering machine. 22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV. 23. They have always had cable. 24. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is. 25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. 26. They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony. 27. Roller-skating has always meant in-line for them. 28. They can only remember the Tonight Show being hosted by Jay Leno. Carson, Parr and Allen are meaningless. 29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool. 30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave. 31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player for the Miami Dolphins. 32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. 33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, Korea or even the Civil War. 34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran or why. 35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. 36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. 37. They never heard the terms: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!" 38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. 39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was. 40. Michael Jackson has always appeared to be white. 41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups. 42. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. 43. There has always been MTV.